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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [4]

12 Mar 2014   #11

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

Windows 7 Home Premium x64 SP1
 
 

10 pints of Guinness

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

A Guy
My System SpecsSystem Spec
12 Mar 2014   #12

Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by A Guy View Post
10 pints of Guinness

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

A Guy
That story is completely false. Any Irishman could down ten pints of Guinness with nary a soft belch, not just one. Not only would every man (and probably the women) have relieved the Texan of $500 each, they would have been lining up for seconds and even thirds.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
12 Mar 2014   #13

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

A little old woman was sitting in church one Sunday morning.
Shortly after they sat down she leaned over to her husband and said, " I think I just let one of those silent farts. I sure hope no one smells it."

The old man looking embarrassed replied, "Turn on your hearing aid!"


---------------

A little old man and woman were sitting on the porch swing together enjoying a lovely spring day.

Out of no where the little old woman turns a slaps the old man as hard as she could.

'What on earth was that for?" he asked.

She replies, "50 years of bad sex. That's what for."

They sit in silence for about 5 minutes and then the old man turns and slaps the old woman.

'Why on earth did you just do that?" she asked.

"For knowing the difference." The old man replied
My System SpecsSystem Spec
13 Mar 2014   #14

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age
and thinking,“surely i can't look that old.”


well, you'll love this one:

My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .

”yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“when did you graduate?” i asked.

He answered, “in 1975. Why do you ask?”

“you were in my class!” i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.


Then, that ugly,


old,


bald,


wrinkled faced,


fat-assed,


gray-haired,


decrepit


son-of-a-bitch


asked,



”what subject did you teach?”
My System SpecsSystem Spec
13 Mar 2014   #15

Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 View Post
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age
and thinking,“surely i can't look that old.”


well, you'll love this one:

My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .

”yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“when did you graduate?” i asked.

He answered, “in 1975. Why do you ask?”

“you were in my class!” i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.


Then, that ugly,


old,


bald,


wrinkled faced,


fat-assed,


gray-haired,


decrepit


son-of-a-bitch


asked,



”what subject did you teach?”
OUCH! I'm class of '67; imagine how that would hurt me!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
13 Mar 2014   #16
Microsoft MVP

Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
 
 

Heh, heh, I'm from the hippy class of '67 too.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
13 Mar 2014   #17

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

I'm NOT saying which class I'm from... lol
My System SpecsSystem Spec
13 Mar 2014   #18

Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 View Post
I'm NOT saying which class I'm from... lol
Coward!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
13 Mar 2014   #19
Microsoft MVP

Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Lady Fitzgerald View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by LADYPINKtomato1 View Post
I'm NOT saying which class I'm from... lol
Coward!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
13 Mar 2014   #20

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

SO be it.... I'm well and healthy.. having more fun than is allowed !!!

50th Anniversary

A man and woman were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful,
agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running late.
I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have
time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss
is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much,
but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're ba****ds?"

"Yep," said the father, "And cheap ones too."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't It?
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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