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Windows 7: Jokes Thread [4]

11 Jan 2015   #191
A Guy

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

Windows 7 Home Premium x64 SP1
 
 

Random Thoughts .….


Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet....

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree... that makes it a plant which means... chocolate is Salad!!!

A Guy
My System SpecsSystem Spec
11 Jan 2015   #192
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

A Guy... I see you think like I've been thinking... I see no end to this GOOD Stuff...lol....
Happy New Year... my dear friend.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
11 Jan 2015   #193
A Guy

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

Windows 7 Home Premium x64 SP1
 
 

Happy New Year to you M'Lady

A Guy
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

15 Jan 2015   #194
DocBrown

Win7 Enterprise, Win7 x86 (Ult 7600), Win7 x64 Ult 7600, TechNet RTM on AMD x64 (2.8Ghz)
 
 
Irish Sawmill Accident

Now don’t blame me I only find them! Enjoy







PADDY AND MICK ARE IRISHMEN WORKING AT THE LOCAL SAWMILL.



ONE DAY, MICK SLIPS AND HIS ARM GETS CAUGHT AND SEVERED BY THE BIG BENCH SAW.

PADDY QUICKLY PUTS THE LIMB IN A PLASTIC BAG AND RUSHES IT AND MICK TO THE LOCAL HOSPITAL .



NEXT DAY, PADDY GOES TO THE HOSPITAL AND ASKS AFTER MICK. THE NURSE SAYS, "OH HE'S OUT IN REHAB EXERCISING".



PADDY COULDN'T BELIEVE IT, BUT THERE'S MICK OUT THE BACK EXERCISING HIS NOW RE-ATTACHED ARM. THE VERY NEXT DAY HE'S BACK AT WORK IN THE SAW MILL.



A COUPLE OF DAYS GO BY, AND THEN MICK SLIPS AND SEVERS HIS LEG ON ANOTHER BLOODY BIG SAW.



SO PADDY PUTS THE LIMB IN A PLASTIC BAG AND RUSHES IT AND MICK OFF TO HOSPITAL..



NEXT DAY HE CALLS IN TO SEE HIM AND ASKS THE NURSE HOW HE IS.

THE NURSE REPLIES, "HE'S OUT IN REHAB AGAIN EXERCISING".



AND SURE ENOUGH, THERE'S MICK OUT THERE DOING SOME SERIOUS WORK ON THE TREADMILL. AND VERY SOON MICK COMES BACK TO WORK.



BUT, AS USUAL, WITHIN A COUPLE OF DAYS HE HAS ANOTHER ACCIDENT AND SEVERS HIS HEAD.



WEARILY PADDY PUTS THE HEAD IN A PLASTIC BAG AND TRANSPORTS IT AND MICK TO HOSPITAL.



NEXT DAY HE GOES IN AND ASKS THE NURSE HOW MICK IS.

THE NURSE BREAKS DOWN AND CRIES AND SAYS, "HE'S DEAD."



PADDY IS SHOCKED, BUT NOT SURPRISED.

"I SUPPOSE THE SAW FINALLY DID HIM IN."



"NO" SAYS THE NURSE,



















"SOME IDIOT PUT HIS HEAD IN A PLASTIC BAG AND HE SUFFOCATED.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
15 Jan 2015   #195
Ranger4

Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit sp1
 
 

My System SpecsSystem Spec
16 Jan 2015   #196
Lady Fitzgerald

Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
 
 

Groan!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
16 Jan 2015   #197
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Jewish Joke

Rabbi and the KKK


The Rabbi rose with a red face and said, "Someone in
this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong
to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a
Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed
and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from
God and our Jewish community."

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to
face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you
will be forgiven and ! in your heart you will feel
relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body
that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head
was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I just told a couple of friends that you were a
wizard under the sheets."

My System SpecsSystem Spec
16 Jan 2015   #198
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

@ Doc...... Good one....
My System SpecsSystem Spec
16 Jan 2015   #199
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by A Guy View Post
Happy New Year to you M'Lady

A Guy
Thank you.... I hope your New Year is going great... hugs
My System SpecsSystem Spec
26 Jan 2015   #200
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'

The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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