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#11
Problem Solved! BIOS!
I consulted a friend who was familiar with used computers such as mine. I tried his suggestion, and it worked.
The problem was that the sound was turned off in BIOS.
It was formerly a University computer, so a lot of the settings in BIOS had been changed around to avoid people tampering with the computer. I'm glad, because otherwise I would've had later problems upgrading RAM and using basically any of the ports besides USB. Dell has some quite impressive BIOS options. That can be good or bad, depending on whether or not you know what you're doing.
Thank you all for all your help! I have learned a lot!