Can't connect to IRC at all-Steam hangs on the update screen. Malware?

I can't connect to IRC servers using programs. (I have to use Mibbit. But even then, while using Mibbit, it keeps disconnecting for absolutely no reason.)
When I start up Steam it keeps trying to update itself, the update progress staying at zero, and cannot fully start.
I cannot use a free online texting service, it says the servers are down but I think it's a problem on my end.
Some aspects of my computer just act a little... funny. I can't really put my finger on it but some things just seen off.
I've tried restarting, scanning my computer for malware (Using Microsoft Security Essentials and Spybot S&D), removing programs, and hell, plain old waiting.
What's wrong? Did a network setting go haywire, or do I have some malware? Can I have help fixing this?