Jokes Thread 2

Sorry Dennis. I didn't mean to make you cry!

Hopalong X said:

Hee Haw!...

Yes Mike, all relatives......kissin kuzzins!
Who knows ...we may be related.

Sorry Dennis I couldn't resist!

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,
but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for
sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's
Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having
to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,
Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of
Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -
for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates,
who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to
be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.


Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!!!


Josh

Man attacked by iTeedOffWife.

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came so for my wife’s birthday, I got her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started....
What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I am in recovery now and am predicted to be out of the hospital in 3 to 4 weeks...iHurt

Needed app when dating....

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."




The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.


"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"


"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

.........