Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 9,582
    Windows 8.1 Pro RTM x64

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  2. Posts : 11,990
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit

    steve-pressman said:
    The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
    As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
    The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
    We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.
    Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
    Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.
    Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".

    And here I am.

    Son of a Gun, Blonde men do exist.
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  3. Posts : 1,210
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx

    steve-pressman said:

    You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

    If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
    COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
    ABBOTT: Your computer?
    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
    ABBOTT: What about Windows?
    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
    ABBOTT: I just did.
    COSTELLO: You just did what?
    ABBOTT: Recommend something.
    COSTELLO: You recommended something?
    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: For my office?
    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
    ABBOTT: Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?
    ABBOTT: Word in Office.
    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
    ABBOTT: One copy.
    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
    (A few days later)

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

    ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............
    Now that is a rerun
    Nice one though :)
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  4. Posts : 11
    Windows 7 Ultimate
    Last edited by JohnUnderscore; 06 Sep 2010 at 01:18. Reason: formatting :(
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  5. Posts : 1,210
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx

    JohnUnderscore said:
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  6. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit

    Mahatma Gamdhi as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
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  7. Posts : 842
    Windows 7 Ultimate 64 - OEM Service Pack 1

    There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.

    So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

    Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said Wait just a minute! she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

    Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

    Her friend said, I hope you werent crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.

    She said, Yes, I promised. Im a good christian, I cant lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.

    You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?

    I sure did. I gathered up all the money put it in my account and wrote him a check for it.
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  8. Posts : 11
    Windows 7 Ultimate
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  9. Posts : 1,210
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx

    iPhone Reception

    Information has leaked that Apple are to release a new product: "the iWedding"
    It's just like a regular wedding, the only problem is they don't provide any reception.

    Most popular iPhone App of the month:
    Public Telephone Box Locator.

    Two iPhone 4's got married. It was a lovely ceremony, but the reception was awful...
    Apparently they held it in the wrong place.
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  10. Posts : 913
    Windows 7 x64 Professional

    A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster
    says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

    The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

    Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
    there is always that risk involved."

    After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a
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