Jokes Thread 2

Don't know if this has been shown here, just got it today.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.



After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"

God replied, "Shit! I didn't recognise you."

A good one, Joan!

Kari

whot? no st. patrick's day jokes?

to remedy:

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland .’

The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?

The other woman answers, ‘I’m from St. John’s , I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did you live on?’

The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me,what year did you graduate?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.’

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian ?’

Brian answers, ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

That is a corker!
Remind me of this one:

A fella goes up to King's Cross asking the working girls where Sheila the Irish one is.
He finds her, asks for the rates the hands over $150.
Well he does this every night for ages.
After almost 20 visits Sheila can't hold her curiosity any more.
'Well" she says, "I can hear from y' accent that yr Irish, where are y' from?"

"Oh" says he, "I'm from north Dublin"
"so am I" she says, "what street?"
"John Delaney Avenue" he says.
"I never" she replies, "so am I, what number?"
"Number 15" he says.
"Well that's right across the road from where m'folks live."
"I know" he says, "they gave me this $3000 to give to yr."

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared
and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true
heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by
their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not
fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Just seen this in one of my newsgroups, thought you all might find it amusing.

Political Truth




Political spin at its best.



No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is
FUNNY!


It just all depends on how you look at some things..

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in
southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree..
She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was
hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy
and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing
on the gallows in Montana territory:







On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research
is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial
Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by
Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information
about their great-great uncle.


Harry Reid:





Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the
following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory .
His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883,
he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking
leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player
in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In
1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor
when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL
SPIN

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."
"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...
"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.
"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
"It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."