Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 966
    Windows 7 Enterprise
       #111

    True story actually:
    About 3 years ago, at my old job with the local government, I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time (At work, on time).

    It happened to be the day we got a new NZ$20k machine that will create CD's.
    I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time (Rubbernecking while the Vendor delivered and installed it).

    Consequently, I became the on-site tech for this machine. I had to learn everything about it, and fix it when it broke down.

    It was about 3 weeks later, I found this on the net, printed it off onto A3 and posted on the wall at the desk where the CD machine was located...
    Jokes Thread 2-trouble.jpg

    Needless to say, the boss did have a giggle...
    Keyword also being 'my old job'

    (Yes... you've probably seen it before. Its an old, and common flowchart.
    But it does actually get used and followed...)
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  2. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #112

    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
    and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged
    from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good
    news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded
    that your act displays sound mindedness.

    'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
    bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

    Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'


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  3. Posts : 1,214
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
       #113

    Another flowchart here :)

    Jokes Thread 2-troubleshooting-flowchart.jpg
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  4. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #114

    For Pet and Non Pet Owner's....
    The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
    I cannot stress this enough.
    Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

    TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

    (1) They live here. You don't.
    (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
    (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy,walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

    Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
    (1) eat less,
    (2) don't ask for money all the time,
    (3) are easier to train,
    (4) normally come when called,
    (5) never ask to drive the car,
    (6) don't smoke or drink,
    (7) don't want to wear your clothes,
    (8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
    (9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
    (10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
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  5. Posts : 842
    Windows 7 Ultimate 64 - OEM Service Pack 1
       #115

    Confession

    A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
    He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
    "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set; and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

    Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

    Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
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  6. Posts : 762
    Windows 2000 5.0 Build 2195
       #116

    LOL! The priest is also evil for breaking his sacred Seal of Confession.
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  7. Posts : 3,300
    Win7 Home Premium 64x
       #117

    Not exactly evil, but he needs to repent.. I am sure....

    The priest and half the audience were very upset to hear that the politicians sister had VD.... she got around....
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  8. Posts : 83
    Windows 7 Pro (64bit).
       #118

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:

    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
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  9. Dom
    Posts : 2,295
    Windows Seven Ultimate
       #119

    The Howling Wolves said:
    For Pet and Non Pet Owner's....
    The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
    I cannot stress this enough.
    Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

    TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

    (1) They live here. You don't.
    (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
    (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy,walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

    Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
    (1) eat less,
    (2) don't ask for money all the time,
    (3) are easier to train,
    (4) normally come when called,
    (5) never ask to drive the car,
    (6) don't smoke or drink,
    (7) don't want to wear your clothes,
    (8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
    (9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
    (10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #120

    Why Parent's Drink:

    The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was
    absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an
    urgent problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone
    number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'hello'

    'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

    ' Yes,' whispered the small voice.

    May I talk with him?'

    The child whispered, 'No.'

    Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
    'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes'

    'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

    Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a
    message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

    ' Yes,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.'

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
    the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

    ' No, he's busy ,' whispered the child.

    'Busy doing what?'

    ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman and the priest,' came the whispered answer.

    Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
    through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
    'What is that noise?'

    ' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice..

    'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

    Again, whispering, the child answered,

    ' The search team just landed a helicopter'

    Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
    'What are they searching for?'

    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

    ' ME!
      My Computer


 
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