Jokes Thread 2

If women are so good at multitasking, why can't they have a headache, and sex, at the same time?

This is an actual extract from a Home Economics text book published in the early 60s

The Good Wives Guide

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready for your husband on his return from work. This is a nice way of letting him know that you have been thinking of him and are concerned about his welfare.

Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.

He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers etc. and then run a duster over the furniture. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival eliminate the noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Make him comfortable. Have him lie back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Always speak in a low soothing voice.

Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.


Where the hell have we gone wrong lads?

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they always shared everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)







'THE TEETH.'

Love these older people.





"LORD.... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER" ...



Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.


She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.


Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.


Judy finally died, after having 25 children.


Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.


He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."


Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:


"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....



"I think he means her LEGS, Ethel...."