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Windows 7: Jokes Thread 2

04 Apr 2011   #1251
Bare Foot Kid
Microsoft MVP

W 7 64-bit Ultimate
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by beauparc View Post


Margaret replied:....



"I think he means her LEGS, Ethel...."


My System SpecsSystem Spec
05 Apr 2011   #1252
DreemWarrior

Windows 7 ultimate X64
 
 

True Fisherman >-))))-’>


A Letter to the Men's Helpline:

Hi Andy, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me.

The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to
look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.


Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her
blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Sincerely,
Pete



My System SpecsSystem Spec
05 Apr 2011   #1253
pebbly

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous Destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me.

Who was that old bu@@er I had to share the room with?'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

05 Apr 2011   #1254
pebbly

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure; she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible - best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
05 Apr 2011   #1255
pebbly

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
05 Apr 2011   #1256
DreemWarrior

Windows 7 ultimate X64
 
 

A small zoo in Louisiana had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla wasin heat.
To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Boudreaux, a coon-ass part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Boudreaux had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Boudreaux was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Boudreaux showed some interest, but said he would have to tink the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.

"First all", Boudreaux said, "Me, I ain't kissin' no gorilla on de lips." The zoo keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Number two", he said, "You cain't never tell nobody 'bout this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Turd Ting" Boudreaux said, "If dere's chilren I want dem all raised Catlic". Once again it was agreed.

And last of all, Boudreaux stated,
"You gotta gimme jus' one more week to come up with de $500.00."


My System SpecsSystem Spec
05 Apr 2011   #1257
Hopalong X

Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
 
 

"A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." + Boudreaux said, "If dere's chilren I want dem all raised Catlic"


Daddy was Texan soooo baby was Texan....

.......soo blame it on someone from Louisiana.
Typical Texans!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
05 Apr 2011   #1258
xarden

Windows 7 Enterprise
 
 

...Should I... uh, get the banjo out now or later?
My System SpecsSystem Spec
05 Apr 2011   #1259
MWRed

Windows 7 Home Premium
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by DreemWarrior View Post
True Fisherman >-))))-’>


A Letter to the Men's Helpline:

Hi Andy, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me.

The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to
look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.


Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her
blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Sincerely,
Pete



Hahaha....that would probably totally be me.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
05 Apr 2011   #1260
Hopalong X

Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by xarden View Post
...Should I... uh, get the banjo out now or later?
Cue music! time!

My System SpecsSystem Spec
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