Jokes Thread 2


  1. Posts : 140
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32bit
       #1291

    A Serious Computer Problem

    "Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

    "What sort of trouble?"

    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

    "Went away?"

    "They disappeared."

    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

    "Nothing."

    "Nothing?"

    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

    "Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

    "How do I tell?"

    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

    "What's a sea-prompt?"

    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

    "What's a monitor?"

    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

    "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

    "I don't know."

    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

    "Yes, I think so."

    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

    ".......Yes, it is."

    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

    "No."

    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

    "Okay, here it is."

    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

    "I can't reach."

    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

    "No."

    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

    "Dark?"

    "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

    "Well, turn on the office light then."

    "I can't."

    "No? Why not?"

    "Because there's a power outage."

    "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

    "Really? Is it that bad?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

    "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
      My Computer


  2. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #1292

    Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."


    That one has made the rounds in different variations but it always gives me a laugh.
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 589
    Windows 7 ultimate X64
       #1293

    A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 589
    Windows 7 ultimate X64
       #1294

    A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue .

    Doctor: "What happened?"

    Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my
    husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me
    up."

    Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When
    your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass
    of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just
    keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in
    his Bud Light stupor."

    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor
    looking fresh and reborn.

    Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time
    my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with

    sweet tea. I swished and swished,and he didn't touch me!"

    Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut
    helps?"


      My Computer


  5. Posts : 63
    Window 7 home basic 32bit
       #1295

    Post your funny joke #1


    !^.^! here mine:

    Launch antivirus.... full scan..... clicked... scanning....
    A: hey B, let go have some drink.
    B: I can't rite now.
    A: why? u can't do anything while your anti scanning. So let have some drink until it complete.
    B: No! the antiV said "Please WAIT until the scan is complete"
    A: Oh bummer.
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 282
    Windows 10 Professional 64-Bit
       #1296

    An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.
    Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."
    The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."
    He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"
    So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."
    He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."
    He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT?"
      My Computer


  7. Posts : 589
    Windows 7 ultimate X64
       #1297

    Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

    So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

    "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

    So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

    "OK, now take off my skirt...." and he takes off her skirt.

    "Now take off my bra..." which he does.

    "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #1298

    I like it, I like it Dreem Warrior.
      My Computer


  9. Posts : 53,657
    Windows 10 Home x64
       #1299

    The Talking Centipede

    A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

    After some discussion,he finally bought a talking centipede, (a 100 legged bug) which came in a little white box to use for his house.

    He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

    But there was no answer from his new pet.

    This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

    But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

    The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

    This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

    A Guy
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 273
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #1300

    Alright, have to throw some Confucius says jokes in here:

    • Confucius says man who eat too many jelly beans fart in technicolor
    • Confucius says man who eat too many prunes sit on toilet many moons
    • Confucius says man who stand on toilet get high on pot
    • Confucius says man who try to smoke pot choke on handle
    • Confucius says man who sneeze in without hankey take matters into his own hands
    • Confucius says man who walk sideways through airport door going to Bangkok
    • Confucius says man who argue with wife all day get no piece at night
    • Confucius says wise man give wife piano, wiser man give wife upright organ
    • Confucius says piano falling down mineshaft makes tune of a flat minor
    • Confucius says panties not best thing in the world, but next to it
    • Confucius says man with hole in pocket feel little cocky all day
    • Confucius says man with hole in pants feel foolish, man with hole in boxers feels nuts
    • Confucius says man who drop watch in toilet bound to have sh*ty time
      My Computer


 

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