Jokes Thread 2

pebbly said:

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In
the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said
she would like it painted a warm rose colour. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying
turf across the street.

Excellent

CONFUCIUS SAY...

Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Fly who rest on toilet seat, get pissed off!
Girl who douche with vinegar, walk around with sour puss.
He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
Man who scratch ass, should not bite fingernails.
Better to sleep with chicken than to choke it.
House without toilet is uncanny.
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who screw in pantry, have ass in jam.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cat house.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Man who stand on toilet, get high on pot.
Secretary not permanent till screwed on desk.
Man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
War never determine who right, just who's left.
A bird in hand make hard to blow nose.
It take square ass to shit brick.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
Man who kisses girls' behind, gets crack in face.
Passionate kiss like spider web - - lead to undoing of fly.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man with penis in peanut butter jar is ****ing nuts.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

LMAO Pebbly!!!

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that stuff". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man,
Chunks is my dog.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated
with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my
guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when
he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She
takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to
the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't
wearing any shoes either!"

pebbly said:

CONFUCIUS SAY...

You know, I suspect there's more than meets the eye on a few of these. But then, I might be just a suspicious old geezer.

jfar said:

DreemWarrior said:

LMAO Pebbly!!!

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that stuff". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man,
Chunks is my dog.

Hahaa, you'll have to put that on the Show us your dog thread, when no one is watching, haha.

Nice ones there Pebbly, haha.

LOL go for it :)

Young blond lady came into bar and orders a Bud. A few minutes later she orders another one. The bartender watching her closely kept bringing more Buds, she was really pounding them down. After many beers she invited all the men in the bar to the back room and have their way with her and then she left. The next day about the same time she came back to the bar and ordered a Bud and went through the whole thing again with the men and then left. On the third day she came back to the same bar. The bartender happy to see her again, scrambled to get her a Bud and she refused it and asked for a Miller stating that Budweiser made her pussy hurt.

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

A Guy

"If light stay on more than four hours- call erectrician"