Jokes Thread 2

No commenting - laughing!

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her place 'for a coffee'.

They get to her flat and she tells him to get himself a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see through negligee. "I am your sex slave" she says "I will do ANYTHING you want".

The man can't believe his luck "Hmmm" he says grinning from ear to ear, "I really fancy a 69" "screw you" replies the girl "I'm not cooking at this time of the night"

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten
out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world.

Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: Mum! I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in
his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties??

She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.?

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: What's with the black condom??

He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out. what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout. it used to be embarassing the way it would behave for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave. now as old age appraches it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!!!!!!!!!!

pebbly said:

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten
out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world.

Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: Mum! I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in
his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties??

She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.?

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: What's with the black condom??

He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.

Pebbly,
Sending you my deepest Sympathy!!!

pebbly said:

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out. what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout. it used to be embarassing the way it would behave for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave. now as old age appraches it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know about owning the naughty step. I think you own the whole staircase!

Dwarf said:

pebbly said:

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out. what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout. it used to be embarassing the way it would behave for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave. now as old age appraches it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know about owning the naughty step. I think you own the whole staircase!

Dwarf said:

...I don't know about owning the naughty step. I think you own the whole staircase!

Every single step of it.

profdlp said:

Dwarf said:

...I don't know about owning the naughty step. I think you own the whole staircase!

Every single step of it.

And that is just the first floor!

A girl is about to tie the knot, and she is watching her
mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks.
"How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor,
lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "S**t woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"