New
#1501
Jokes Thread 2
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New #1503
"Hello?" the child says on the phone.
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy," says the little girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with
Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."
"Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Dad takes a deep breath. "Okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, just a minute," says the little girl. A few minutes later,
the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy."
"What happened, honey?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all."
"Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?" asks Dad in a panic.
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to
clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
There's a long pause on the phone.
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
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New #1504
"Hunting Rabbi's With Dogs-The Place of Typing Errors in Modern Anti-Semitism"
PS. Could this joke be a shibboleth?
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New #1505
Observations on Growing Older
~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good..
Coming home is better!
~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names.... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.
~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he or she does in bed. It's called their "pre-sleep".
~Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem....
were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table
~You tend to use more 4 letter words ...
"what?"..."when?"... ???
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~Your husband/wife has a night out with the guys or gals but is home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now 'wisdom' spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~Now that your spouse has retired ...
you'd give anything if he/she would find a job!
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.
~~~~But old is good in some things:
old songs,
old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
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New #1506
My friend joined Asda's (Walmart) on-line dating agency.
I asked him how he'd got on and he replied "Great, I got a bag for life!"
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New #1507
SIPPING VODKA
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
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New #1509
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure .
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
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New #1510
Engineer Husband
A wife says to her engineer husband, "Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"
"They had eggs."
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