Jokes Thread 2

  1. Posts : 6,349
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit

    A blonde was weed-a-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat,
    who was hiding in the grass.

    She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

    Why WAL-MART??


    WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
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  2. Posts : 7
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32bit SP1


    The Boss asks: 'Do you have any sales experience?'
    The Pinoy says: 'Sir, I was a salesman back home in Manila.'
    Well, the boss liked the Pinoy chappie so he gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
    His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many sales did you make today?'
    Pinoy boy says: 'Sir, Just ONE sale.'
    The boss says: 'Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?'
    Pinoy boy says: ' $101 237. 64'
    Boss says: '$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?'
    Pinoy boy says:'Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
    Then I sell him medium fishhook.
    Then I sell him large fishhook.
    Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
    Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
    Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.
    I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper Camper Tents.
    Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
    The boss said: 'You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?'
    Pinoy boy says: 'No Sir, actually he came in to buy Tylenol for his headache and I said:
    'Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind!'
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  3. Posts : 7
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32bit SP1

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
    The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'

    'No, what?'

    'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'

    'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'

    The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

    Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
    While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

    Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'

    'No, what?' replied the man.

    'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.

    'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy.

    'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'
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  4. Posts : 3,187
    Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2

    Good ones!

    And now, a little poetry:

    Eye halve a spelling chequer
    It came with my pea sea
    It plainly marques four my revue
    Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
    Eye strike a key and type a word
    And weight four it two say
    Weather eye am wrong oar write
    It shows me strait a weigh.
    As soon as a mist ache is maid
    It nose bee fore two long
    And eye can put the error rite
    Its rare lea ever wrong.
    Eye have run this poem threw it
    I am shore your pleased two no
    Its letter perfect awl the weigh
    My chequer tolled me sew
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  5. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit

    A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery.

    He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

    "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

    He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

    The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?

    He replied, "No money in the bank."

    "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

    He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

    The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

    The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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  6. Posts : 6,349
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit


      My Computer

  7. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit

    Why thank you Mike.. I liked it also..
    I sure hope it isn't as hot there as it's been down here the past 2 weeks.. no rain in sight yet.
    I think the farmer will have fried green tomatoes on the vine.. an early death to the crop this year,
    sure is sad for them again this year.
      My Computer

  8. Posts : 472
    Windows 7 Professional 64 bit

    How to Bathe a Cat in 8 Easy Steps

    1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

    2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

    3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

    4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

    CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.

    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

    6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

    8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.



      My Computer

  9. Posts : 472
    Windows 7 Professional 64 bit

    How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
    It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it...

    How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Trick question, feminists can't change anything.

    How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
    1001, one to hold the bulb and 1000 to screw the house onto it.

    How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
    Trick question, let the bitch cook in the dark.


    How do you kill a blue elephant?
    With a blue elephant gun.

    How do you kill a red elephant?
    Choke it 'til it turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.

    How do you kill a green elephant?
    Enrage it 'til it turns red, then choke it 'til it turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.

    How do you kill a purple elephant?
    Don't be stupid, there's no such thing.


    Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
    It was dead.

    Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
    It was dead too.

    Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
    It got hit by the first two.

    Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
    Peer Pressure.
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  10. Posts : 966
    Windows 7 Enterprise

    Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
    He thought it was a game.
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