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Windows 7: Jokes Thread 2

20 Jun 2011   #1531
smarteyeball

 
 

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters; in a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One guy in the front row jumps out of his seat and shouts at the top of his voice: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind Impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The guy jumps out of his seat again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor scale and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really pissed off now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage "OK ...OK, you get up here and do it".



The little guy climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing......















. “A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
20 Jun 2011   #1532
profdlp

Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by smarteyeball View Post
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China...
He even Tweeted about it!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
21 Jun 2011   #1533
smarteyeball

 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by profdlp View Post
tsajhs pd fommy
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

21 Jun 2011   #1534
seavixen32

Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
 
 

While the huge C-5 transport aircraft was turning over its engines, a female crew member gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and her crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sergeant was sitting in the eighth row and thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '


When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'


'Yes,' replied the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'


'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We no longer call it the cockpit'

'It's now known as The Box Office.'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
21 Jun 2011   #1535
Devux

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by seavixen32 View Post


'It's now known as The Box Office.'
OhThat's a good one.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
22 Jun 2011   #1536
Hopalong X

Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
 
 

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"

Now you know...Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

My System SpecsSystem Spec
22 Jun 2011   #1537
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X View Post
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"

Now you know...Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.


Mike,
Now you know why the are called White Sharks and not The Great Brown Sharks.
The Great White Shark!!!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
22 Jun 2011   #1538
Hopalong X

Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
Mike,
Now you know why the are called White Sharks and not The Great Brown Sharks.
The Great White Shark!!!
Cause they don't eat mangy wolves?
My System SpecsSystem Spec
22 Jun 2011   #1539
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
Mike,
Now you know why the are called White Sharks and not The Great Brown Sharks.
The Great White Shark!!!
Cause they don't eat mangy wolves?
That's cause us mangy wolves have nothing to eat but those old dirt bag cowboys that live off beans, jerky and booze!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
22 Jun 2011   #1540
smarteyeball

 
 

Scottish Soldier.............who says Scots are tight??
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully, he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana.

He carefully unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk, square handkerchief which he also unfolds, revealing a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?" the Scot seriously asks the chemist. "Six pence", says the chemist casually. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence", says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater roar of voices.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the pharmacy and addresses the proprietor,
this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote", he says.

"We'll have a new one."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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