Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 281
    Windows 7 Pro 64bit SP1
       #161

    i'm still chuckling over the tractor!
    ______________________________

    Oh...btw... my cousin Mick came out here to Australia
    from Dublin.
    He got a job driving a semi
    which he proceeded to drive right off the mountain.

    "Why the hell did you do that Mick?"
    "Well, y' know," he replied, "I wanted to check out the air brakes."
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  2. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #162

    Questions and Answers from AARP Forum
    Q:Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
    A:Try a bookstores, under Fiction.
    Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
    A:Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
    When you're done, you'll have a place to live.

    Q:Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Isthat true?
    Where can
    itbefound?

    A:Yes. Matthew 14:92:
    "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to
    Egypt "

    Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your over 60-year-old husband?
    A:Tell him you're pregnant.
    Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
    A:Take off your glasses.
    Q:Seriously!
    What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
    A:Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
    Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
    A:Valets don't forget where they park your car.
    Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
    A:Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
    Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
    A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
    Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
    A:On their foreheads.
    Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
    A:"Gosh, I remember these!"
    SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor,
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  3. Posts : 22,814
    W 7 64-bit Ultimate
       #163

    nithig said:
    i'm still chuckling over the tractor!
    ______________________________

    Oh...btw... my cousin Mick came out here to Australia
    from Dublin.
    He got a job driving a semi
    which he proceeded to drive right off the mountain.

    "Why the hell did you do that Mick?"
    "Well, y' know," he replied, "I wanted to check out the air brakes."



    Good one!
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  4. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #164

    Got to Love Maxine:

    Let me get this straight. We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't;
    written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it;
    passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it;
    to be signed by a president who also smokes;
    with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes;
    to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese;
    and financed by a country that's broke.

    What could possibly go wrong?
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  5. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #165

    For all you car owner's .....BEWARE!


    The Porch

    A blond teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

    She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

    'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

    Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

    The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

    The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'

    He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

    The wife replied, 'You're right.... I guess I'm starting to Believe all
    those dumb blonde jokes.

    Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

    'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

    Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

    'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
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  6. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #166

    Don't know if this is true but funny nonetheless

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
    One student, however, wrote the following:
    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
    This gives two possibilities:
    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
    So which is it?
    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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  7. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #167

    BrightBlessings said:
    I love this doctor
    Attachment 99141

    Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true...
    My kind of doctor!
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #168

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    Questions and Answers from AARP Forum...
    I can relate!!
      My Computer


  9. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #169

    Remember 1955??
    Here are some of the comments made back then.....

    > Comments made in the year
    >> 1955!
    >> (That's 55 years ago!)
    >>
    >>
    >> 'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
    >> going to be impossible To buy a week's groceries for $20.00.
    >>
    >>
    >> 'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
    >> It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a
    >> used one.
    >>
    >> 'If cigarettes keep going up in price,
    >> I'm going to quit.
    >> A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
    >>
    >> 'Did you hear the post office is thinking about
    >> charging a dime just to mail a letter?
    >>
    >> 'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00,
    >> Nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. '
    >>
    >> 'When I first started driving,
    >> Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon..
    >> Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.
    >>
    >> 'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more..
    >> Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying
    >> DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
    >> It seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
    >>
    >> 'I read the other day where some scientist thinks
    >> it's possible to put a man on the moon by the
    >> end of the century.
    >> They even have some fellows they call astronauts
    >> preparing for it down in Texas .
    >>
    >> 'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
    >> contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?
    >> It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
    >> making more than the President.
    >>
    >> 'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen
    >> appliances would be electric.
    >> They are even making electric typewriters now.
    >>
    >> 'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays..
    >> I see where a few married women are having to work
    >> to make ends meet.
    >>
    >> 'It won't be long before young couples are going to
    >> have to hire someone
    >> To watch their kids so they can both work.
    >>
    >> 'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the
    >> door to a whole lot of foreign business.
    >>
    >> 'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the
    >> Government takes half our income in taxes.
    >> I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
    >> people to congress.
    >>
    >> 'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,
    >> But I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
    >>
    >> 'There is no sense going to Lincoln
    >> or Omaha anymore for a weekend,
    >> It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
    >>
    >> 'No one can afford to be sick anymore,
    >> At $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for
    >> my blood.'
    >>
    >> 'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
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  10. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #170

    Jokes Thread 2-1.jpg

    The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874

    Jokes Thread 2-2.jpg

    and the first helmet was used in 1974.

    Jokes Thread 2-3.jpg

    It only took 100 years for us blokes to realize that our brains might be more important than our knackers
      My Computer


 
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