Jokes Thread 2


  1. Posts : 89
    Windows 7
       #1721

    Ruger is coming out with a new pistol. It will be called the "Congressman". It doesn't work & you can't fire it.
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  2. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1722

    I think we've had those for years now.. hopefully this will be corrected in 2012.
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  3. Posts : 68
    Windows Home Premium 64 Bit
       #1723

    Catholic Math


    Little Aaron, who was Jewish, was doing very poorly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, and everything else they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Aaron and enrolled him in a special program at a local Catholic school.

    After the first day, little Aaron came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Aaron was hard at work. His mother was amazed.


    His Mother called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.


    Finally, little Aaron brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Aaron got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"


    Little Aaron looked at her and shook his head, no.


    "Well, then," she replied, "was it the discipline, the structure, the books, the uniforms??


    "No", said little Aaron.


    WHHHAAATTT was it then???", she asked.


    Little Aaron looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the
    plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
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  4. Posts : 5,405
    Windows 7 Ultimate 64bit SP1
       #1724

    djl47 said:
    Little Aaron, who was Jewish, was doing very poorly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, and everything else they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Aaron and enrolled him in a special program at a local Catholic school.

    After the first day, little Aaron came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Aaron was hard at work. His mother was amazed.


    His Mother called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.


    Finally, little Aaron brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Aaron got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"


    Little Aaron looked at her and shook his head, no.


    "Well, then," she replied, "was it the discipline, the structure, the books, the uniforms??


    "No", said little Aaron.


    WHHHAAATTT was it then???", she asked.


    Little Aaron looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the
    plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
    One from the best!
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  5. Posts : 68
    Windows Home Premium 64 Bit
       #1725

    It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

    Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.


    * * *

    Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

    OK, relax, clear your mind and begin...



    1. What do you put in a toaster?
















    Answer: "bread."


    If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.



    2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?











    Answer: Cows drink water.


    If you said "milk," don't Attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat! Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Readers Digest. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.



    3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?











    Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.


    If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???

    If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.










    4. It's thirty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?









    Answer: You don't bury survivors!


    If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.




    5. Without using a calculator -


    You are driving a bus from San Francisco to Santa Rosa.

    In San Francisco, nineteen people get on the bus;
    In Sausilito, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
    In Mill Valley, five people get off and four get on.
    In San Rafael, eleven people get off and sixteen people get on.
    In Petaluma, three people get off and five people get on
    In Cotati, six people get off and three get on.
    You then arrive in Santa Rosa.
    What was the name of the bus driver?








    Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name?


    It was YOU!!
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  6. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #1726

    You are driving a bus from San Francisco to Santa Rosa.

    I was not driving that bus. I don't work for the bus company and I do not have a CDL.
    I don't even have a bus pass.

    So if your trying to accuse me of stealing that bus forget it.
    I was never in San Francisco or Stanta Rosa.
    I have never been to California in my life.

    So go find some other sucker to interrogate about your stolen bus!

    Arnold
    (ex-governator, ex-husband)



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  7. Posts : 3,822
    Windows10 Pro - 64Bit vs.10547
       #1727

    Jokes Thread 2-arnoldschwarzenegger.jpg

    I conquer..


    - er, sorry - concur..
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  8. Posts : 5,405
    Windows 7 Ultimate 64bit SP1
       #1728

    The Howling Wolves said:
    The very first Original sin was.......................
    Attachment 146573

    Sorry Pebbly!
    I couldn't resist posting this one for you.
    Sorry but....

    I agree!!
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  9. Posts : 290
    Windows 7 Ultimate 64Bit (SP 1)
       #1729





    This is a must read to the end






    Moral of this story is.......BRILLIANT!!




    This is a story about
    A Fly, a Fish, a Bear

    A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.



    There is a moral to this story....
    In the dead of summer, a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

    The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
    'Gosh....if I go down three inches,
    I will feel the mist
    from the water and I will be refreshed.'
    There was a fish in the water thinking,
    'Gosh....if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
    There was a bear on the shore thinking,
    'Gosh....if that fly goes down three inches,
    that fish will jump for the fly....
    and I will grab the fish!!'
    It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
    of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

    'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches....
    and that fish leaps for it....
    that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
    I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
    Now, you probably think this is
    enough activity on one river bank,
    but I can tell you there's more....

    A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
    'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches....
    and that fish jumps for that fly....
    and that bear grabs for that fish....
    the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
    and drop his cheese sandwich.'
    A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
    (as was fashionable to do on the banks of
    this particular river around lunch time)
    'Gosh.....if that fly goes down three inches....
    and that fish jumps for that fly,
    and that bear grabs for that fish,
    and that hunter shoots that bear,
    and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich,
    then I can have mouse for lunch.'
    The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
    heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

    The fish swallows the fly....
    The bear grabs the fish....
    The hunter shoots the bear....
    The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich....

    The cat jumps for the mouse....
    The mouse ducks....
    The cat falls intothe water and drowns.
    NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
    Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
    some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.


    Regards and sorry

    UKMedia



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  10. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #1730

    UKMedia,
    Are you out to challenge Pebbly for her Naughty Title?
    Good Luck if you are.....
    THW
      My Computer


 

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