Jokes Thread 2

  1. Posts : 7
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32bit SP1

    Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctor,
    engineer, accountant and lawyer and prospered.
    Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed
    the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far
    away in another city.
    The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
    The second said,"I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
    The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."
    The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible
    and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I
    met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
    It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
    $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama
    just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
    The other brothers were impressed.
    After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, The
    house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
    whole house. Thanks anyway."
    "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,
    so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
    "Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold
    50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly
    blind.. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
    "Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a
    little thought to your gift. It was ages since I had nice chicken, and the
    chicken you sent was very delicious. Thank you."
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  2. Posts : 7,538
    Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit

    Don't know if this one has been posted before but it made me chuckle.

    Little Girl On A Plane
    A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
    "Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

    "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

    The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

    To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"

    Then she went back to reading her book
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  3. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit

    Should I Really Join Facebook ? (Priceless)

    A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
    AND really quite true!!

    When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the thirty-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great-grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

    That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

    My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

    The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue Tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

    I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
    When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

    To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

    The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

    Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot."

    P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
    We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
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  4. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit

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  5. Posts : 7,538
    Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit

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  6. Posts : 68
    Windows Home Premium 64 Bit

    Joan Archer said:
    I think you forgot "This joke intentionally left blank." :)
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  7. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit

    djl47 said:
    Joan Archer said:
    I think you forgot "This joke intentionally left blank." :)

    When you get our age you sometimes forget things.
    Now if I could remember what I was doing before I posted my answer!
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  8. Posts : 68
    Windows Home Premium 64 Bit

    Dangerous new computer virus
    Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced antivirus programs cannot remove ..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!
    Symptoms of the Senile Virus:

    1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
    2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
    3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
    4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
    5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
    6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've
      My Computer

  9. Posts : 2,686
    Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit

    When you get senile you loose some of your faculties.
    The first is memory but I don't remember the rest.

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  10. Posts : 6,349
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit

    Older gentleman to younger gentleman, "I have forgotten more than you have learned in your entire life time.......what were we discussing?"
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