Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 1,214
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
       #171

    BrightBlessings said:
    Attachment 99669

    The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874

    Attachment 99670

    and the first helmet was used in 1974.

    Attachment 99671

    It only took 100 years for us blokes to realize that our brains might be more important than our knackers
    Human nature Odin :)
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  2. Posts : 3,187
    Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2
       #172

    BrightBlessings said:
    ...It only took 100 years for us blokes to realize that our brains might be more important than our knackers
    They are?
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  3. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #173

    Are you OLD or getting OLD ???

    $5.37!

    That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

    I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

    I stood there stupefied. I am 56 , not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

    I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

    I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

    Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

    "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, he?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

    "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

    I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

    That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

    Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

    Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

    Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

    I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

    All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

    Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

    I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

    She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

    All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing
    85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.


    As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

    The good news was I had successfully found my way home.



    Notice the larger type? That';s for those of us who have trouble reading.

    P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate !!!!
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  4. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #174

    Saying Good Night to Mother

    We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
    turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
    parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

    We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
    and we opened the front door to leave the house.

    As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots
    back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she
    always tries to eat the bird.

    My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
    cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my
    wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the
    night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's
    just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

    A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
    as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke
    her a** with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so
    I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
    from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat a** downstairs and threw
    her out into the back yard!'


    The cab driver hit a parked car.



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  5. Posts : 3,187
    Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2
       #175

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    Saying Good Night to Mother...
    Oh, my - you're killing me!
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  6. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #176

    You should sleep like a baby tonite... after these jokes... I received those in my e-mail today..
    had to share them.
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  7. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #177

    LadyPink

    That is too much!!
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  8. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #178

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    Are you OLD or getting OLD ???
    Hilarious! I am not that bad - yet.

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    Saying Good Night to Mother

    Another hilarious one. I can visualize that!
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  9. Posts : 11
    Windows 7 Ultimate
       #179

    The clothing salesman finally sold...

    When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

    “Guess what, sir” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

    “Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing” the manager asked?

    “That’s the one”!

    “That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged”?

    “Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me”.


    http://Johns_Jokes.com/all-the-jokes
    Last edited by JohnUnderscore; 23 Sep 2010 at 22:01. Reason: spellin: not my fortey :)
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  10. Posts : 34
    Windows 7 Home Premium x64
       #180

    A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
    A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
    A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
    Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
    "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success.
    He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
    The comparison went like this:
    If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
    In response to all this goading, GM responds:
    "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"
    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
    An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.
    "Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
    The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
    "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
    The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
    "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
    The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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