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Windows 7: Jokes Thread 2

06 Sep 2011   #1791
beauparc

Windows 7 64 bit
 
 

From a Home Economics textbook printed in the '60s

...Once you have both retired to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom. Remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply facecream or hairproducts, wait until he is asleep, as this can be quite shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations, it is important to remember your marriage vows and your commitment to obey him. Should your husband suggest congress, then accede humbly, all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices, you should be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then promptly fall asleep so, adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your nightime face and hair products.
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06 Sep 2011   #1792
seavixen32

Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
 
 

Jeez, was that the 1860s or the 1960s?

I just showed it to my wife and she's threatened me with divorce if I initiate conjugal rights without her say so!!
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06 Sep 2011   #1793
beauparc

Windows 7 64 bit
 
 

The Italian who went to Malta


One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two piss. She say go to toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later, I go eat at bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock onna the table. She say you better not fock onna table you sonna ma bitch.

I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go to toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed you sonna ma bitch.

I go to checkout and man on desk say "peace on you". I say "piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy"!

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06 Sep 2011   #1794
beauparc

Windows 7 64 bit
 
 

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick *******."
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06 Sep 2011   #1795
beauparc

Windows 7 64 bit
 
 

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday. She was a bit lonely.
She thought... "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -- a very handsome man with assorted physical skills, flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places; thick wavy hair; long powerful legs; a dazzling smile; and six-pack abs. She felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.

She figured: What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am. How may I help you?"

Oh, my, he sounded sooooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in:

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"

He said... "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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06 Sep 2011   #1796
Phone Man

Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
 
 

A guy checked into a hotel. After he got settled he was being bothered by a bunch of flies. After repeated calls to the front desk with no relief he fixed the problem himself. The next morning when checking out the desk clerk asked about the fly problem. The guy stated he took care of the problem by bunching them in he corner. The clerk ask what he had done to bunch them, He stated "I took a shit in the corner"

Jim
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07 Sep 2011   #1797
BrightBlessings

Win7 Pro-64 Bit
 
 

Clintonvhp

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders............
Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.
The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook."
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
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07 Sep 2011   #1798
pebbly

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'f**k or drown'."
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07 Sep 2011   #1799
pebbly

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.

Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"

The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and screw."

The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"

The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"
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07 Sep 2011   #1800
Layback Bear

Windows 7 Pro. 64/SP-1
 
 
They loved it.

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Phone Man View Post
A guy checked into a hotel. After he got settled he was being bothered by a bunch of flies. After repeated calls to the front desk with no relief he fixed the problem himself. The next morning when checking out the desk clerk asked about the fly problem. The guy stated he took care of the problem by bunching them in he corner. The clerk ask what he had done to bunch them, He stated "I took a shit in the corner"

Jim
They loved it at the V.F.W.
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