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Windows 7: Jokes Thread 2

10 Sep 2011   #1811
A Guy

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

Windows 7 Home Premium x64 SP1
 
 

Rhymes with Spanking

A Guy
My System SpecsSystem Spec
10 Sep 2011   #1812
seavixen32

Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Paarkhi View Post
@seavixen32, it'd really help in understanding the joke if you remove those *** I didn't get the joke (May be I'm dumb)
See comment 1811 by A Guy.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
14 Sep 2011   #1813
smarteyeball

 
 

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.


You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.


Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.



And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

15 Sep 2011   #1814
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by smarteyeball View Post
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.


You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.


Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.



And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
Great quotes!
Which goes to show you that SHIT HAPPENS on a daily basis.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
15 Sep 2011   #1815
djl47

Windows Home Premium 64 Bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by smarteyeball View Post
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
The preceding was derived from a routine performed by the late George Carlin who waxed eloquently on the seven dirty words. Here's some of the original shit: Transcript of "Filthy Words" by George Carlin

objoke
The three quotes used the most by pilots:
1. Why is it doing that?
2. Where are we?
3. Holy shit!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
19 Sep 2011   #1816
djl47

Windows Home Premium 64 Bit
 
 

An old man was sitting on a bench in the park. A young guy walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young guy looked, the old man was staring. The young guy finally said sarcastically,"What are looking at old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "When I was in the Navy I got drunk and screwed a parrot. Thought you might be my son."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
20 Sep 2011   #1817
Dwarf

Windows 8.1 Pro RTM x64
 
 

Bill and Blanche

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the county fair every year. And every year, Bill would say "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Blanche always replied "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"

One year, Bill and Blanche went to the fair and Bill said "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Blanche replied "Bill, that helicopter ride is twenty quid. And twenty quid is twenty quid!"

The pilot overheard the couple and said "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you just say one word it's twenty quid."

Bill and Blanche agreed, and so up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manouevres, but not a single word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a single word was heard.

Finally, they landed and the pilot turned to Bill. He said "By 'eck, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Bill replied "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out but, you know, twenty quid is twenty quid!"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
20 Sep 2011   #1818
Golden
Microsoft MVP

Windows 7 Ult. x64
 
 

Ahahaha. Good one Dwarf.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
20 Sep 2011   #1819
Borg 386

Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
 
 

Billy is standing in a field looking at an overturned hay wagon with a worried look on his face when the neighbor drives by on his tractor.

"Hey Billy..." yells the neighbor, "why dont'cha hop on & we'll go get us some dinner at my house. Come on, sit a spell & forget your troubles..."

Billy says: "Well, thank you much Mr. Parsons, but I don't reckon Pa would like it very much"

"Nonsense!" says Mr Parsons, "Me & your Pa have been friends for over 20 years, he ain't gonna mind you stopping over for some dinner, now I insist, c'mon along son"

Billy nervously looks at him and says: "Well, OK sir, if you reckon my Pa won't mind..."

At the dinner table, Billy is somewhat quiet, so Mr. Parsons asks: "By the way boy...where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon sir...."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
22 Sep 2011   #1820
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.



The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
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