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Windows 7: Jokes Thread 2

18 Oct 2010   #281
BrightBlessings

Win7 Pro-64 Bit
 
 

Ah, Computers!
We've all seen the Bill Gates line*, "640K [of RAM] ought to be enough for anybody", so how about some wisdom from others who were a tad more accurate?
*though he denies saying it.

"A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy." --Joseph Campbell

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." --Mitch Ratliffe

"A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their sex organs." --Solomon Short

"All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer." --IBM maintenance manual, 1925

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." --Pablo Picasso

"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf." --Sam Ewing

"Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins." --Robert Heinlein (in The Moon is a Harsh Mistress)

"Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked." --Jeff Pesis

"It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods." --Geraldine Ferraro

"Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor." --Wernher von Braun

"No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either." --Marvin Minsky

"One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse." --Jack Handey

"There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer." --J.H. Goldfuss

"They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction." --Janet Reno

"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." --Nathaniel Borenstein

"To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so." --Robert Orben

"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." --Gene Spafford

"Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now!" --Homer Simpson
My System SpecsSystem Spec
19 Oct 2010   #282
CarlTR6

Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
> A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”
>
> Passenger: “Who?”
>
> Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
>
> Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
>
> Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
>
> Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
>
> Cabbie: “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”
>
> Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
>
> Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
>
> Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
>
> Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his frigin wife.”
I had heard this before and it is still hilarious!!

Good ones, BrightBlessings!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
19 Oct 2010   #283
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

Jokes Thread 2-hogs.jpg

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."




The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."



Simper Fi


My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

19 Oct 2010   #284
Bare Foot Kid
Microsoft MVP

W 7 64-bit Ultimate
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
Attachment 106004

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."




The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."



Simper Fi


My System SpecsSystem Spec
19 Oct 2010   #285
MattRainier

7 Ultimate x64, Vista Ultimate x64, 7 Pro x64, XP Pro x86, Linux Mint Nadia Cinnamon
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by The Howling Wolves View Post
Attachment 106004

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."




The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."



Semper Fi
Semper Fi, soldier!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
19 Oct 2010   #286
BrightBlessings

Win7 Pro-64 Bit
 
 

This little animal is called the Naked Mole Rat and
Is from North Africa.


Jokes Thread 2-1.jpg

Jokes Thread 2-2.jpg


So if you
Are having a bad day and feeling sorry for
Yourself, remember:
It could be worse, you could look like an old penis
With buck teeth.


My System SpecsSystem Spec
20 Oct 2010   #287
arkhi

Windows 2000 5.0 Build 2195
 
 

Aww. But Kim's Rufus looked so cute!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
20 Oct 2010   #288
Bare Foot Kid
Microsoft MVP

W 7 64-bit Ultimate
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by BrightBlessings View Post
This little animal is called the Naked Mole Rat and
Is from North Africa.


Attachment 106035

Attachment 106036


So if you
Are having a bad day and feeling sorry for
Yourself, remember:
It could be worse, you could look like an old penis
With buck teeth.
Jokes Thread 2-roflmao1.jpg


My System SpecsSystem Spec
21 Oct 2010   #289
Kirsch

Windows 7 Ultimate
 
 

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a meager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "may I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
My System SpecsSystem Spec
21 Oct 2010   #290
Kirsch

Windows 7 Ultimate
 
 

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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