Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #281

    Ah, Computers!
    We've all seen the Bill Gates line*, "640K [of RAM] ought to be enough for anybody", so how about some wisdom from others who were a tad more accurate?
    *though he denies saying it.

    "A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy." --Joseph Campbell

    "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." --Mitch Ratliffe

    "A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their sex organs." --Solomon Short

    "All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer." --IBM maintenance manual, 1925

    "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." --Pablo Picasso

    "Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf." --Sam Ewing

    "Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins." --Robert Heinlein (in The Moon is a Harsh Mistress)

    "Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked." --Jeff Pesis

    "It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods." --Geraldine Ferraro

    "Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor." --Wernher von Braun

    "No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either." --Marvin Minsky

    "One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse." --Jack Handey

    "There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer." --J.H. Goldfuss

    "They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction." --Janet Reno

    "The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." --Nathaniel Borenstein

    "To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so." --Robert Orben

    "Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." --Gene Spafford

    "Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now!" --Homer Simpson
      My Computer


  2. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #282

    The Howling Wolves said:
    > A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”
    >
    > Passenger: “Who?”
    >
    > Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
    >
    > Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
    >
    > Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
    >
    > Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
    >
    > Cabbie: “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”
    >
    > Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
    >
    > Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
    >
    > Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
    >
    > Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his frigin wife.”
    I had heard this before and it is still hilarious!!

    Good ones, BrightBlessings!
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #283

    Jokes Thread 2-hogs.jpg

    Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

    "Nice pigs, sir."




    The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

    The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

    "Excellent trade, sir."



    Simper Fi
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 22,814
    W 7 64-bit Ultimate
       #284

    The Howling Wolves said:
    Jokes Thread 2-hogs.jpg

    Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

    "Nice pigs, sir."




    The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

    The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

    "Excellent trade, sir."



    Simper Fi


      My Computer


  5. Posts : 238
    7 Ultimate x64, Vista Ultimate x64, 7 Pro x64, XP Pro x86, Linux Mint Nadia Cinnamon
       #285

    The Howling Wolves said:
    Jokes Thread 2-hogs.jpg

    Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

    "Nice pigs, sir."




    The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

    The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

    "Excellent trade, sir."



    Semper Fi
    Semper Fi, soldier!
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #286

    This little animal is called the Naked Mole Rat and
    Is from North Africa.


    Jokes Thread 2-1.jpg

    Jokes Thread 2-2.jpg


    So if you
    Are having a bad day and feeling sorry for
    Yourself, remember:
    It could be worse, you could look like an old penis
    With buck teeth.
      My Computer


  7. Posts : 762
    Windows 2000 5.0 Build 2195
       #287

    Aww. But Kim's Rufus looked so cute!
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 22,814
    W 7 64-bit Ultimate
       #288

    BrightBlessings said:
    This little animal is called the Naked Mole Rat and
    Is from North Africa.


    Jokes Thread 2-1.jpg

    Jokes Thread 2-2.jpg


    So if you
    Are having a bad day and feeling sorry for
    Yourself, remember:
    It could be worse, you could look like an old penis
    With buck teeth.

    Jokes Thread 2-roflmao1.jpg
      My Computer


  9. Posts : 1,180
    Windows 7 Ultimate
       #289

    A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a meager-looking group of men.
    "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "may I help you?"
    "I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
    "Yes," she purrs, "I am."
    The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 1,180
    Windows 7 Ultimate
       #290

    Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
    With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
    "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
    With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
      My Computer


 
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