Jokes Thread 2

A rich businessman was playing golf on a field very close to his house. He noticed a strange man with a large briefcase, and introduced himself due to his curiosity. The businessman discovered the strange man was a hitman, and inside his briefcase was an impressively large sniper rifle.
The businessman asked the hitman about his rates, and the hitman informed him that each shot would cost him $1000.
"Excellent," the businessman said, "I am aware of the fact that my wife regularly cheats on me with my neighbor, so I want you to shoot her in the head. Also, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, so he could never have sex again."
The hitman got out his sniper, and the businessman pointed to his house, which was visible from the golf field. The hitman aimed at a window, and stood there for a long time. The businessman grew impatient and said, "hurry up, take the shot!"
The hitman replied, "hold on, I'm trying to save you a grand here!"

A little girl is walking down the street when suddenly a little boy jumps out of the bushes holding his junk. He shouts "YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE! YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE!!"
The little girl runs home crying.
The next day the same girl is walking down the street when suddenly the same little boy jumps out of the bushes holding his junk and shouting "YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE! YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE!!"
The little girl pulls up her dress and says "My Mommy says as long as I have one of THESE, I can get as many of THOSE as I want."

BrightBlessings said:

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
Number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's
Station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
Good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh**."

Here, here.. to anyone who has expereinced this ...

The royal guards of Tibet!

Dogmop!

BrightBlessings said:

cows …..

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, they said, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales ..

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?







"The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales"