On that note:
What's the difference between a Kiwi and a computer?
With a computer you only have to punch the information in once.
Last edited by spinifex; 28 Oct 2010 at 23:18.
The Benefits of Growing Older
You can eat dinner at 4:00 pm.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People who call at 9 p.m. ask, "Did I wake you?"
You send money to PBS.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You bought cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
The Blonde strikes again!
A man who was just murdered is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is
already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in
blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a
blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband >in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
>excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her
>astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
>
>'There's no charge,' she says.
>
>'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'
>she says.
>
>'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
>gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
>yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
>minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made
>no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN'
... I was all like, ok, the punchline's gonna be that she switched the suits... and then, WHAM.
Now for some terrible one-liners.
You know you need a different lawyer when he tells you his last good case was a Budweiser.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
What's the difference between an attorney and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.
And finally:
xDTwo attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Having a good laugh here ...
But one small comment .... "his junk"?
I know we males are not doing that well just now but
how about replacing this put down description with "his pride",
or "his glory", or "his jewels" ....
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
