Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 129
    Windows 7 Ultimate X64
       #361

    BrightBlessings said:
    One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers: "What does it mean to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland ...

    "Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture & watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign."

    very good!
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  2. Posts : 22,814
    W 7 64-bit Ultimate
       #362

    Tews said:
    Job Interview

    While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

    'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

    Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

    'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

    'Why's that?' asked Pat.

    'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

    'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

    LMAO!
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  3. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #363

    A plane was on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class got up, moved to the First Class section and sat down.
    The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
    She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat.
    The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
    The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo
    sitting in First Class who belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
    The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for Economy,
    she was only entitled to an Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
    The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
    Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police
    waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
    "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
    The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
    She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in Economy.
    The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

    The pilot replied, 'I told her, First Class isn't going to Melbourne '.
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  4. Posts : 2,493
    Windows 7 64Bit
       #364

    BrightBlessings said:
    A plane was on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class got up, moved to the First Class section and sat down.
    The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
    She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat.
    The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
    The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo
    sitting in First Class who belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
    The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for Economy,
    she was only entitled to an Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
    The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
    Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police
    waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
    "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
    The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
    She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in Economy.
    The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

    The pilot replied, 'I told her, First Class isn't going to Melbourne '.
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  5. Posts : 129
    Windows 7 Ultimate X64
       #365

    George landed his first computer programming position and he was thrilled. His father, Colin, although a stranger to the field, shared George's enthusiasm and welcomed him at the door when he arrived home after his first day, inquiring, 'What did you do at work today?'
    He listened intently while George explained in great detail his eight hours of COBOL, binary code and JCL errors.
    When George arrived home the following night, once again his father, Colin, was waiting at the front door. 'So,' he greeted George, 'what did you have for lunch today?'
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  6. Posts : 451
    Windows 7 Ultimate
       #366

    First Grade Drawing - PRICELESS!


    A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment. The teacher graded it and the child brought it home. She returned to school the next day with the following note:

    Dear Ms. Davis,

    I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration. This picture is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

    Sincerely,

    Mrs. Harrington
    Last edited by dobhar; 01 Jan 2011 at 18:13.
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  7. Posts : 1,214
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
       #367

    dobhar said:
    A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment. The teacher graded it and the child brought it home. She returned to school the next day with the following note:

    Dear Ms. Davis,

    I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration. This picture is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

    Sincerely,

    Mrs. Harrington
    Now that is a new twist to the story
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  8. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #368

    How To Speak Kiwi

    FOR BIST EFFICT ? RID THESE OUT LOUD

    Milburn - Capital of Victoria
    Pissed aside - Chemical to kill insects
    Pug - What bacon comes from
    Miss Kara - Eye make up
    Mere - Mayor
    Lift - Departed
    Ken's &n bsp; - Cairns
    Jumbo - Pet name for Jim
    Inner me - Enemy
    Fush - Marine creature from the ocean
    Ever Cardeau - Avacado
    Ear - Mix of nitrogen and oxygen
    Amejen - Visualise
    Day old chuck - Very young poultry
    Bun Button &nbs p; - Been bitten by insect
    Chully bin - An esky
    Ear Noo Zulland - An extinct airline
    Veerjun - Mythical New Zealand virgin
    Brudge - Structure spanning a river
    Tin - One more than nine
    Earplane - A large flying machine
    Sivven Sucks Sivven - A Boeing Aircraft
    Pits - Domestic animals
    Munce - Usually served on toast
    Peck - To put clothes in a suitcase
    Pigs - For hanging out the washing
    Nin tin dough - A computer game
    Min - Male of the species
    McKennonk - Person who repairs cars
    Leather&nbs p; - Foam produced from soap
    Kiri Pecker - Well known businessman
    Kittle Crusps - Potato chips.
    Jungle Bills - A Christmas carol
    Guess - A vapour
    Fitter Cheney - Type of pasta
    Fear Hear - Blonde
    Duffy Cult - Not easy
    Ear Roebucks - Exercise at the gym
    Bug Hut - Very popular recording
    Beard - A thing you sleep in
    Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
    Beers - A large animal in US forests
    One doze - Common computed programme
    Sex - One less than seven
    Leggs Ecktly - Precisely
    Cuds & nbsp; - Children
    Sivven For Sevven - Larger Boeing
    Cuttin - Small cat
    Beggage Chucken - A place to leave your luggage at the airport.
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  9. Posts : 966
    Windows 7 Enterprise
       #369

    Lol. You forgot Fush and chups and sorse.
    Oh... no sorry, thats in the 'How to speak Orstrarleein' post.
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  10. Posts : 1,364
    Win7 Ultimate x64
       #370

    Don't forget words like:

    Chilly bin
    Dairy
    Jandels
    Jutter bars, etc.

    In case anyone has not had dealings with Kiwi's, this will enlighten you.

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