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Windows 7: Jokes Thread 2

03 Nov 2010   #381
dobhar

Windows 7 Ultimate
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by brightblessings View Post
a plane was on its way to melbourne when a blonde in economy class got up, moved to the first class section and sat down.
The flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her economy seat.
The blonde replied, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to melbourne and i'm staying right here!"
the flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo
sitting in first class who belonged in economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for economy,
she was only entitled to an economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replied, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to melbourne and i'm staying right here!"
exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
"you say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so i can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
She said, "oh i'm sorry - i had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, 'i told her, first class isn't going to melbourne '.
Nice
My System SpecsSystem Spec
04 Nov 2010   #382
reventon

Windows 7 x64, Windows XP SP3, Fedora
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by nithig View Post
Quote:
I work in mining
Spinifex, you must work in the West Island.
Not necessarily - you been to Waihi or Stockton lately? Not quite the same scale I admit, but both are going nicely as far as I know.

Quote:
How to drive like a bloke
Bear in mind these simple rules when driving.
  • The arm is always hanging out the drivers window. All times of the year. A Kiwi-Bloke Driver can be detected in any crowd because of the difference in tans of his left and right arms.
  • The driver's window being down, it is a simple procedure to yell "Mate!" to anyone a bloke happens to recognise whilst driving.
  • Similarly, the Horn is always in Standby Mode in case you see someone you recognise or you are trapped behind some nervous learner driver who will crap themselves at the sound of premium Holden Horns. Woopsy.
  • The stereo is on, not loud enough so that you can't hear if the V8's running a bit rough, but loud enough that you can't hear the handbrake going on about how her mum should be in the back seat and the dog in the boot, not vice versa. That way you're not tempted to say "I thought she was". No need to have a domestic while you're enjoying yourself
  • Blokes don't adjust their face in the rear view mirror. That's posing.
  • Real Blokes don't shave in the rear view mirror either, it's too dangerous to have an axe floating around when you're driving.
  • A Bloke always obeys the road laws. Except for the one about reversing repeatedly into the boy racer behind you who leant on the horn of his mother's car once too often.
  • A Bloke laughs derisively at Petrol Heads who have to pull over to show each other their chrome-plated inlet manifold. However, it is perfectly acceptable for a bloke to show another bloke what a damned good job he made of the mods to the steering rack..
  • Parking is an important thing to get right. The aims of parking are to get close enough to the entrance of the New World Supermarket so that you don't pop your rivet carrying those six cases of baked beans and the pallet of bog paper back to the car on grocery day. For this reason the trusty Holden has a sump that can handle the odd traffic island or kerb should an emergency park be necessary. It is important to check, however, that there is not the six-foot diameter black puddle on the ground when you pull away..
  • Parking meters are a pain in the ..... as well, but a problem that can be easily overcome if your backing skills aren't what they should be (hint, hint). It is then a simple matter to write to the council and say that you thought the meter was broken when it was laying on the ground like that. And that you didn't want to give yourself a hernia trying to put coins into it to see if it worked...
  • Sometimes it will be necessary to overtake another vehicle, especially on Sundays when the older townies are on day-release from the old-folks home. To overtake in safety, you should give the poor old bugger plenty of time to react by hitting the airhorns about 10 seconds before you start your maneuvour, and keeping them on until a couple of seconds after. Believe me, they appreciate the warning and quite often pull over for a little lie-down because they're so happy.
  • Road Works are an important hazard to be on the look out for. As soon as you hit some really bad road works, you'll immediately realise that it's exactly like driving down the access road during winter when they've just chucked the gravel down. Beware that to townie drivers this is unknown territory and they're liable to do anything. If it's tourist season, be doubly aware because they'll do anything too, but probably all at once.
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04 Nov 2010   #383
kronckew

Win 7 ultimate x64 sp1
 
 

42 answers to life, the universe and everything

for points to ponder questions.


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Both, and the cops will also charge you with littering, failure to yield, and picking your feet in pougkipsie.

Can you cry under water?

only girls cry, and yes they can cry underwater, especially if you forget their birthday

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

best ask nancy pelosi, she's still tryin' to decide what happened to her yesterday

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

B. Hussain O'bama

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

no, everyone is nekked for the orgy

Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?

did you ever try to make a round box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

it was a STD

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

for the same reason why you always get a wobbly wheel on supermarket trolley

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?

the only ones who say that are not parents

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

sure, the rest of the court can hear. the deaf person uses a translator signing so they can 'hear' what's happening. usually the deaf person is in court for murdering the person who asked the question.

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

movies are too big to be 'on'; tv's are too small to get 'in'

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

some people are just too ugly to see from close up

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

to start the video recorder

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

most wimmen ony have one bra that fits, but they have dozens of panties in all colors

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?

charcoal is a known antidote for some poisons found in your wife's cooking

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

I'm here to report Jimmy is no longer cracking corn and I do care.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

only if the corpse can show a valid driver' license and one other valid form of ID. being on the electoral roll in chicago also counts.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

one word: Gilligan

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

goofy was a chimera, a cross between species, like a liger or a tigon, pluto is just a dawg. ol' walt liked dogs.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

col. saunders kentucky fried roadrunner doesn't deliver, and roadkill cafe wasn't open back then.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

you had to ask, didn't you? it's made from babies. now we have to kill you.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

ask o'bama, i'm sure his teleprompter can give him the answer, it's got the answer to life, the universe and everything. 42.

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

no, my psychiatrist says the key is different and the quarter G-minor in the last bar is held fractionally longer.

Why did you just try singing the two songs above ?

the orderly asked me to as he couldn't remember the tunes

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

because it's small and teeny way out there, but it's huge and hurts like heck down below in your waste disposal area.

p.s. - when did they cut the earth in half? which hemisphere was the asteroid aiming for? east or west.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

listerine and deodorant will cure that. just ask goofy.
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.

04 Nov 2010   #384
yowanvista

Windows 10 Pro x64, Arch Linux
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by kronckew View Post
42 answers to life, the universe and everything

for points to ponder questions.


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Both, and the cops will also charge you with littering, failure to yield, and picking your feet in pougkipsie.

Can you cry under water?

only girls cry, and yes they can cry underwater, especially if you forget their birthday

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

best ask nancy pelosi

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

B. Hussain O'bama

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

no, everyone is nekked for the orgy

Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?

did you ever try to make a round box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

it was a STD

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

for the same reason why you always get a wobbly wheel on supermarket trolley

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?

the only ones who say that are not parents

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

sure, the rest of the court can hear. the deaf person uses a translator signing so they can 'hear' what's happening. usually the deaf person is in court for murdering the person who asked the question.

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

movies are too big to be 'on'; tv's are too small to get 'in'

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

some people are just too ugly to see from close up

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

to start the video recorder

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

most wimmen ony have one bra that fits, but they have dozens of panties in all colors

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?

charcoal is a known antidote for some poisons found in your wife's cooking

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

I'm here to report Jimmy is no longer cracking corn and I do care.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

only if the corpse can show a valid driver' license and one other valid form of ID.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

one word: Gilligan

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

goofy was a chimera, a cross between species, like a liger or a tigon, pluto is just a dawg. ol' walt liked dogs.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

col. saunders kentucky fried roadrunner doesn't deliver, and roadkill cafe wqasn't open back then.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

you had to ask, didn't you? it's made from babies. now we have to kill you.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

ask o'bama, i'm sure his teleprompter can give him the answer, it's got the answer to life, the universe and everything. 42.

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

no, my psychiatrist says the key is different and the quarter G-minor in the last bar is held fractionally longer.

Why did you just try singing the two songs above ?

the orderly asked me to as he couldn't remember the tunes

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

because it's small and teeny way out there, but it's huge and hurts like heck down below.
p.s. - when did they cut the earth in half?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

listerine and deodorant will cure that.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
04 Nov 2010   #385
GaM3R

64 bit Home Premium
 
 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
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04 Nov 2010   #386
spinifex

 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by GaM3R View Post
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
Excellent.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
04 Nov 2010   #387
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

Gift for My Wife



Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their
anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long
term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if
I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss
of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and
now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid


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04 Nov 2010   #388
xarden

Windows 7 Enterprise
 
 


Almost a candidate for the Darwin!
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05 Nov 2010   #389
nithig

Windows 7 Pro 64bit SP1
 
 

That really is a shocking story!
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05 Nov 2010   #390
kronckew

Win 7 ultimate x64 sp1
 
 

A guy walks into a bar.....

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures it first!"
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