Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 2,493
    Windows 7 64Bit
       #391

    kronckew said:
    A guy walks into a bar.....

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

    The guy says, "No, what?"

    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

    He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

    "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures it first!"
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  2. Posts : 281
    Windows 7 Pro 64bit SP1
       #392

    Rene Descartes was drinking in the bar.
    After Rene finished his drink the barman asked, "would you like another"
    "I think not" replied Descartes
    and promptly disappeared.
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  3. Posts : 1,180
    Windows 7 Ultimate
       #393

    nithig said:
    That really is a shocking story!
    I see what you did there
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  4. Posts : 1,573
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit SP1
       #394

    A guy comes across an old man sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. The guy asks the old man what the problem is. The old man replies, "Well, I'm married to this beautiful, young woman with an amazing body who only wants to please me sexually and in every other way." The guy asks, "Then why are you crying" to which the old man says "I forget where I live"
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  5. Posts : 2,493
    Windows 7 64Bit
       #395

    alfred01 said:
    A guy comes across an old man sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. The guy asks the old man what the problem is. The old man replies, "Well, I'm married to this beautiful, young woman with an amazing body who only wants to please me sexually and in every other way." The guy asks, "Then why are you crying" to which the old man says "I forget where I live"
    Poor guy.
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  6. Posts : 3,300
    Win7 Home Premium 64x
       #396

    3 old ladies are walking down a sidewalk when all of a sudden a flasher jumps out and exposes himself to them.

    The first old lady has a stroke

    and the second old lady has a stroke

    But the third..... she just couldn't reach.
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  7. Posts : 7,538
    Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit
       #397

    Church Bulletins


    They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These
    sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
    services:
    --------------------------
    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

    --------------------------

    The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

    --------------------------

    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
    around the house. Bring your husbands.

    --------------------------

    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
    'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

    --------------------------

    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

    --------------------------

    Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the
    congregation.

    --------------------------

    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    --------------------------
    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
    --------------------------

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
    began in their school days.

    --------------------------

    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

    --------------------------

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to
    our choir practice.

    --------------------------

    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the
    deterioration of some older ones.

    --------------------------

    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
    cripple children.

    --------------------------

    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

    --------------------------

    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

    --------------------------

    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

    --------------------------

    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
    Friday afternoon.

    --------------------------

    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a
    blanket and come prepared to sin.

    --------------------------

    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
    Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

    --------------------------

    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric
    girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

    --------------------------

    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

    --------------------------

    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
    The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

    --------------------------

    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
    the side entrance.

    --------------------------

    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge -
    Up Yours'.
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  8. Posts : 9,582
    Windows 8.1 Pro RTM x64
       #398

    Some more:

    Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

    Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

    The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

    Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

    Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
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  9. Posts : 7,538
    Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit
       #399

    Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
    prepared for the answer.

    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
    witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
    and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

    She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
    since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
    me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk
    about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
    haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than
    a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
    the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

    She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
    a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
    can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is
    one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
    wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
    him.'

    The defense attorney nearly died.

    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
    quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
    I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
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  10. Posts : 17,545
    Windows 10 Pro x64 EN-GB
       #400

    1. Browser on fullscreen (F11)
    2. Click the link here
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