Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 9,606
    Win7 Enterprise, Win7 x86 (Ult 7600), Win7 x64 Ult 7600, TechNet RTM on AMD x64 (2.8Ghz)
       #411

    A tribal elder was reminiscing about the good old days..................

    Jokes Thread 2-tribal_elder_image001.jpg





    "When I were a young fella, in dream time, my mother would send me down t' corner store wi' a
    shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a
    pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs, and a packet o’ tobacco.
    Yer can't do that now.








    Too many stinkin' security cameras."
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  2. Posts : 1,364
    Win7 Ultimate x64
       #412

    DocBrown said:
    A tribal elder was reminiscing about the good old days..................

    Jokes Thread 2-tribal_elder_image001.jpg






    "When I were a young fella, in dream time, my mother would send me down t' corner store wi' a

    shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a
    pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs, and a packet o’ tobacco.
    Yer can't do that now.











    Too many stinkin' security cameras."
    Absolutely love it. Thanks for giving me a gut ache from laughing too much.
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  3. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #413

    DocBrown said:
    A tribal elder was reminiscing about the good old days..................
    "When I were a young fella, in dream time, my mother would send me down t' corner store wi' a
    shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a
    pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs, and a packet o’ tobacco.
    Yer can't do that now.








    Too many stinkin' security cameras."
    Brilliant!
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 1,573
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit SP1
       #414

    DocBrown said:
    A tribal elder was reminiscing about the good old days..................

    Jokes Thread 2-tribal_elder_image001.jpg






    "When I were a young fella, in dream time, my mother would send me down t' corner store wi' a

    shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a
    pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs, and a packet o’ tobacco.
    Yer can't do that now.











    Too many stinkin' security cameras."
    Absolutely loved it.
      My Computer


  5. Posts : 2,493
    Windows 7 64Bit
       #415

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    A young monk arrives at the monastery‏



    He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying


    the old canons and laws of the church by hand.





    He notices, however, that all of the monks are


    copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.


    So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,



    Pointing out that if someone made even a small error


    in the first copy, it would never be picked up!


    In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.





    The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the


    copies for centuries,but you make a good point, my son.'


    He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery


    where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a


    locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.


    Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.





    So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.


    He finds him banging his head against the wall and wailing,


    'We missed theR!


    We missed the R!


    We missed the R!'


    His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.


    The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'




    With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,



    'The word was...




    CELEBRATE!
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  6. Posts : 1,214
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
       #416

    Lil' Johnny Again


    A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
    a mess.” “And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good,” said the teacher.

    Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, “Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.” “That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

    “Yes, ma’am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?” “Stay away from Aunt Marge when she’s been drinking.”
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  7. Posts : 966
    Windows 7 Enterprise
       #417

    A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
    On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price.


    So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:


    'Dear Madam:
    Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
    #1 - it had never been occupied;
    #2 - there was plenty of heat; and
    #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

    However, I found out that:
    #1 - it had been previously occupied,
    #2 - there wasn't any heat, and
    #3 - it was entirely too large.'

    Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:




    Dear Sir:
    #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
    #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
    #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
    So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...
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  8. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #418

    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

    'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

    Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'
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  9. Posts : 1,214
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
       #419

    Bill Gates in Heaven


    When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds, a tennis court and a swimming pool.
    Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

    One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

    "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

    "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

    "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

    "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

    Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

    Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

    "Well," replied Peter, "the Titanic only crashed once."
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  10. Posts : 2,493
    Windows 7 64Bit
       #420

    gladson1976 said:
    When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds, a tennis court and a swimming pool.
    Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

    One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

    "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

    "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

    "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

    "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

    Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

    Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

    "Well," replied Peter, "the Titanic only crashed once."
      My Computer


 
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