Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 9,606
    Win7 Enterprise, Win7 x86 (Ult 7600), Win7 x64 Ult 7600, TechNet RTM on AMD x64 (2.8Ghz)
       #421

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.


    Jokes Thread 2-frog_walking_image1.gif
    He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.



    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."



    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.






    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"





    (folks, you're gonna luv this)














    The bank manager looks back at her and says...

    "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a RollingStone."




    Jokes Thread 2-frogs_3.gif



    (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are...)


    Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!



    Have a great day :)
    Last edited by DocBrown; 10 Nov 2010 at 09:43.
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  2. Posts : 1,214
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
       #422

    I did sing, but I didn't grin. I was
    You ROCK DOC
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  3. Posts : 99
    Windows 7 Ultimate x86
       #423

    Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is an architect and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

    The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

    The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

    The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
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  4. Posts : 11,840
    64-bit Windows 8.1 Pro
       #424

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

    The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms

    and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

    I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
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  5. Posts : 17,545
    Windows 10 Pro x64 EN-GB
       #425

    Tews said:
    "May I ask what the turkey did?"
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  6. Posts : 22,814
    W 7 64-bit Ultimate
       #426

    Kari said:
    Tews said:
    "May I ask what the turkey did?"




    That is a good one. :)
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  7. Posts : 53,657
    Windows 10 Home x64
       #427

    Tews said:
    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

    The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms

    and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

    I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
    Forgot that one, lol. A Guy
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  8.    #428

    A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

    “What the hell was that for?” he asked.

    “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.

    “But you don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

    “Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

    Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” he begged.

    “Your horse called!”
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  9. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #429

    MY LAST TRIP TO CostcoYesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Buddy , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

    Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day!!!
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  10. Posts : 834
    Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 x64
       #430

    okay a punny joke relating to my first name.
    There are 2 atoms walking down the street. the first one stops and tells the second one "I think i lost an electron"

    The second atom says "are you sure?"

    the first atom replies: "of course I am......Im positive"

    ........hahaha......well not realy, but my first name is Ion, pronounced E-ah-n
    so theres my punny chemistry/physics joke....
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