Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #431

    Tews said:
    A
    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

    I love it!!
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  2. Posts : 99
    Windows 7 Ultimate x86
       #432

    Tews said:
    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

    The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms

    and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

    I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
    Forgive me, for I am stupid, but I don't understand the punch line. Can someone enlighten me?
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  3. Posts : 2,737
    Windows 7 Enterprise (x64); Windows Server 2008 R2 (x64)
       #433

    slash3r said:
    [Forgive me, for I am stupid, but I don't understand the punch line. Can someone enlighten me?
    The turkey is FROZEN! He left it in the freezer extra long. He is dead.
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  4. Posts : 3,300
    Win7 Home Premium 64x
       #434

    Passionate Lady....


    "Welcome to the Sunnyvale Horseracing Track, I'm your announcer Richard Small. Before the race begins, lets have a look at the line up...

    Lineup:

    In lane 1. Passionate Lady
    In lane 2. Bare Belly
    In lane 3. Silk Panties
    In lane 4. Conscience
    In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
    In lane 6. Clean Sheets
    In lane 7. Thighs
    In lane 8. Big Johnson
    In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
    In lane 10. Merry Cherry

    THEY'RE OFF!!!

    Conscience is left behind at the gate.
    Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
    Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
    Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson is in a dangerous spot.

    AT THE HALFWAY MARK:

    It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Johnson is pressed in.
    Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
    Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
    Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

    AT THE STRETCH:

    Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
    Big Johnson is making a final drive.
    Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

    AT THE FINISH:

    It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and
    Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
    It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...

    Bare Belly shows...

    Thighs weakens...

    Heavy Bosom pulls up and Clean Sheets never had a chance."
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  5. Posts : 710
    Win7 Pro x64
       #435

    What creatively named horses

    The Howling Wolves said:
    MY LAST TRIP TO Costco
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  6. Posts : 1,180
    Windows 7 Ultimate
       #436

    slash3r said:
    Forgive me, for I am stupid, but I don't understand the punch line. Can someone enlighten me?
    If you buy a Turkey, where do you store it? The freezer.

    The bird saw the frozen turkey in the freezer and decided to calm down :)
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  7. Posts : 1,214
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
       #437

    Exercises


    This really works!

    I came across these simple exercises recently and thought I should share‚ them with you. The article suggested doing it three times a week.

    1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 2kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms‚ straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to‚ reach a full minute, and then relax.

    2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit‚ longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato sacks. Then 25kg‚ potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg‚ potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute
    (I'm at this level).


    3. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
    Last edited by gladson1976; 03 Dec 2010 at 01:40.
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  8. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #438

    An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
    Holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

    A gentleman approached her and said,
    "Pardon me, madam..
    I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
    Is blowing up in this high wind?"

    "Yes, I know," said the lady.
    "I need both my hands
    To hold onto this hat."

    "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
    And your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

    The woman looked down, then back up at the man
    And replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
    I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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  9. Posts : 8,383
    Windows 10 Pro x64, Arch Linux
       #439

    BrightBlessings said:
    An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
    Holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

    A gentleman approached her and said,
    "Pardon me, madam..
    I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
    Is blowing up in this high wind?"

    "Yes, I know," said the lady.
    "I need both my hands
    To hold onto this hat."

    "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
    And your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

    The woman looked down, then back up at the man
    And replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
    I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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  10. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #440

    1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
    2. Go to Get Directions
    3. Type in Japan for start location
    4. Type in China for the end location
    5. Scroll down to direction #43......
    6. Laugh
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