Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #441

    Cat Lover or Not, this is funny!
    Attachment 115069
    We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

    Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

    On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
    Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.



    Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

    'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

    'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

    'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

    There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

    So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

    Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

    It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

    Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
    The impact knocked me out cold..

    When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

    Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
    Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

    Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

    'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
    If they only knew! Attachment 115070
    Last edited by LADYPINKtomato1; 17 Nov 2010 at 22:01.
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  2. Posts : 654
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64
       #442

    just wanted to say that after reading this post Removed heatsink from processor, do I need new thermal compound? i was reminded of the joke, what do lentils and dildos have in common? they are both meat substitutes.
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  3. Posts : 12,364
    8 Pro x64
       #443

    Pusspa said:
    j what do lentils and dildos have in common? they are both meat substitutes.
    Heh heh heh...


    Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.

    She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

    She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'

    'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!
    '
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  4. Posts : 384
    Windows 7 Home Premium x64
       #444

    CarlTR6 said:
    1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
    2. Go to Get Directions
    3. Type in Japan for start location
    4. Type in China for the end location
    5. Scroll down to direction #43......
    6. Laugh


    43. Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean
    Love it
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  5. Posts : 966
    Windows 7 Enterprise
       #445

    Good ol' Google and their easter eggs...
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  6. Posts : 1,573
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit SP1
       #446

    What do tattoo's and a political convention have in common?........Both involve thousands of little pricks.
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  7. Posts : 1,573
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit SP1
       #447

    smarteyeball said:
    Pusspa said:
    j what do lentils and dildos have in common? they are both meat substitutes.
    Heh heh heh...


    Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.

    She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

    She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'

    'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
    I don't get it. No, I understand the joke I just don't.......
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  8. Posts : 834
    Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 x64
       #448

    Fluffy said:
    CarlTR6 said:
    1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
    2. Go to Get Directions
    3. Type in Japan for start location
    4. Type in China for the end location
    5. Scroll down to direction #43......
    6. Laugh


    43. Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean
    Love it
    lol thats nothing compared to this:
    1. Go to google maps
    2. Go to Get Directions
    3. Type in Exeter Street, Loma Linda, CA for the start location.(my street)
    4. End location Japan
    5 look at step 18 and step 33.
    lol= its even slower than jet skiing
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  9. Posts : 748
    Windows 7 32 bit
       #449

    Fancy dress party


    A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.

    Being embarrassed about his bald head and wooden leg, he doesn't know what to wear to cover up his
    head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

    A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look just the part?.

    The man is very offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

    A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

    The man is now incandescent with rage, because the fancy dress company has now gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

    A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

    Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse, and go as a toffee apple.






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  10. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #450

    ionbasa said:
    Fluffy said:
    CarlTR6 said:
    1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
    2. Go to Get Directions
    3. Type in Japan for start location
    4. Type in China for the end location
    5. Scroll down to direction #43......
    6. Laugh


    43. Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean
    Love it
    lol thats nothing compared to this:
    1. Go to google maps
    2. Go to Get Directions
    3. Type in Exeter Street, Loma Linda, CA for the start location.(my street)
    4. End location Japan
    5 look at step 18 and step 33.
    lol= its even slower than jet skiing
    Yes, but think of the upper body strength it would build!
      My Computer


 
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