Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 17,545
    Windows 10 Pro x64 EN-GB
       #481

    Three priests back home in Lapland met in an ecumenical meeting. After the meeting was over, they went together to have a cup of coffee before returning to their respective homes. They started to talk about the collect, how they deal with the collected money after Sunday services.

    The youngest one wanted to show how clever he is. He told two older colleagues he uses heads and tails method; heads to the God, tails he keeps. Both older gentlemen looked at her amused.

    Next distinguished gentleman told two others he belives God lives in the Bible; he drops the money on top of the Bible and what stays on Bible, is for God and rest he keeps to himself. Younger priest looks and says "Awesome! I have to try that".

    The oldest from group is even more amused. "You young idiots! I can see your faith is not so strong than mine. I believe God must decide over everything, also how much he wants from the collect. That's why I leave all the money on the table in my chambers after Sunday services, and tell to God in my prayer to take what he needs. When I come to church then following morning, I'll keep the money God has left on the table."
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  2. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #482

    Was sent this from my cousin back east.
    New TSA PinUP Calendar........just a few photo's to be shown.
    Hope this doesn't offend anyone.......just thought it was humorous.
    Attachment 118833

    Attachment 118834

    Attachment 118835
    Last edited by The Howling Wolves; 09 Dec 2010 at 21:28.
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  3. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #483

    Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have
    a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

    The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
    manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in
    each bed.

    These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them.
    They won't know the difference.'

    the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take
    care of their business.

    As they are walking home the first man says,
    'you know, i think my girl was dead!'

    'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'

    'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'
    his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch..'

    'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'
    'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her
    a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.....


    And she took my
    teeth with her!"
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  4. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #484

    BrightBlessings said:
    Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have
    a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

    The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
    manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in
    each bed.

    These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them.
    They won't know the difference.'

    the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take
    care of their business.

    As they are walking home the first man says,
    'you know, i think my girl was dead!'

    'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'

    'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'
    his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch..'

    'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'
    'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her
    a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.....


    And she took my
    teeth with her!"

    So that's where my teeth are!
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  5. Posts : 27
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #485

    Fastest Gun in the West

    Don't mess with the best in the west. In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

    Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

    The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

    "That's terrific!" said the young cowboy."Got any more tips for me?"

    "Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got any more tips?"

    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

    The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

    "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle an’ all."

    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

    "No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much!"
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  6. Posts : 3,187
    Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2
       #486

    evil c said:
    Fastest Gun in the West
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  7. Posts : 22,814
    W 7 64-bit Ultimate
       #487

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  8. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #488

    Phone Man said:
    What's sad about 5 Lawyers going over a cliff in a 1956 Buick.


    The Buick seats 6.

    Jim
    The sad thing is the loss of a vintage classic automobile.
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  9. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #489

    A Little Christmas Story


    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
    The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
    Not a lot of people know this
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  10. Posts : 1,214
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
       #490

    The Howling Wolves said:
    A Little Christmas Story


    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
    The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
    Not a lot of people know this
    Awesome
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