Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 842
    Windows 7 Ultimate 64 - OEM Service Pack 1
       #41

    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know to say one thing.'

    'What do they say?' the priest asked.

    They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

    'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.

    Then he thought for a moment.

    'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

    'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

    The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

    Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

    After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

    There was stunned silence.

    Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, 'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!'
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  2. Posts : 182
    XP
       #42

    steve-pressman said:
    Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”

    The Princess said sarcastically “NO!”

    So the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles as fast as he wanted and went fishing and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

    The End
    The Princess ended up a sour old recluse with 400 cats
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  3. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #43

    Exam answers -

    Products of government schools.
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  4. Posts : 7,781
    Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
       #44

    Folks, you can't make this stuff up. Real life can be funnier then fiction...

    Bored of the same old two-party system? Check out these actual political parties that exist or existed.

    THE RHINOCEROS PARTY - This Canadian Party existed with a very unusual platform. It included: repealing the law of gravity, paving the entire province of Manitoba to create the world's largest parking lot, providing higher education by building taller schools, instituting English, French and illiteracy as Canada's three official languages, making bubble gum the national currency, putting the national debt on Visa, counting the Thousand Islands to make sure none were missing, and banning lousy Canadian winters.

    BEER LOVERS PARTY - This post-Soviet assembly was founded in 1993 in the state of Belarus. Among its major goals was the push for the cleanness and quality of the national brew. Its logo was a cartoon of a drunken hedgehog. The party was liquidated in 1998.

    THE ABSOLUTELY ABSURD PARTY is another Canadian joke party which advocates the following: Lowering the voting age to 14(Because, after all, when was the last time a 14-year-old started a war?), changing the rules in federal elections so that the candidate in last place becomes the elected official, raffling off Senate seats as a fundraising mechanism, and replacing the Department of Defense with a crack elite squad of Rock/Paper/Scissors commandos.

    THE UNION OF CONSCIENTIOUSLY WORK-SHY ELEMENTS was an unusually successful frivolous political party founded by comedian Jacob Haugaard in Denmark in 1979. Haugaard eventually won a seat in the Danish Parliament by making the following campaign promises: Tail winds on all bicycle paths, better weather, better Christmas presents, more pieces of Renaissance furniture in Ikea, Nutella in Army field rations, more bread for ducks in the park, and free beer and sausages, funded by his state party funding, served to his voters in the public park in Aarhus after each election. (The last three were actually fulfilled during his term in office.)

    THE HUNGARIAN DOUBLE-TAILED DOG PARTY is a joke political party that was founded in 2004. All of the candidates are named Istvan Nagy, two very common first and last names in Hungary. While not an officially registered party, it nevertheless made the following promises in the 2006 elections: Eternal life, world peace, one-day work weeks, two sunsets a day, smaller gravitation, free beer and low taxes.

    THE McGILLICUDDY SERIOUS PARTY is a joke party in New Zealand that promotes the following: Replacing the Royal New Zealand Armoured Corps with mounted knights, replacing money with chocolate fish as legal tender, using beer as a national defense strategy by leaving many bottles on all beaches so any invading army would abandon its attack and get drunk instead, restricting the vote to only those under 18 (with actual campaign ads run during children's programming), votes for trees (as New Zealanders have a reputation as environmentalists), air bags for the New Zealand Stock Exchange (in case of a crash), good weather (but only if the voters behave), job creation by carpeting the nations highways, and the sending-out of intelligence agents around the world to wipe New Zealand off published maps so no one could invade the country.

    THE DONALD DUCK PARTY is a Swedish joke political party that received write-in votes before it even existed. Capitalizing on its popularity, one man, Bosse Person, registered it. He is its only member. In 1991, the party received 1,535 write in votes by promoting a platform which advocated free liquor and wider sidewalks.

    THE HAPPENING HAPPY HIPPY PARTY was a spoof political party that was really more a Web site and "e-zine" that ran in the late '90's and early '00's. It promoted easing the burden on Britain's National Health Service by making accidents illegal and improving Britain's climate by towing the island 200 miles south.

    THE MARIJUANA PARTY actually exists and is a current US political party that runs candidates who - you guessed it - work tirelessly toward the legalization of marijuana!

    THE YOUTH INTERNATIONAL PARTY was a highly theatrical and anti-authoritarian political party that existed in the US in the 60's. Its members were called "Yippies." Better known for street theatre and politically themed pranks that mocked the status quo (such as running a pig as its candidate in the 1968 Election and throwing money out to the crowd at the New York Stock Exchange), this socialist countercultural organization was amusingly dubbed the "Groucho Marxists."
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  5. Posts : 8,476
    Windows® 8 Pro (64-bit)
       #45

    Firefox screwed up;;

    Jokes Thread 2-capture.png
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  6. Posts : 256
    Win 7 ultimate x64 sp1
       #46

    borg, you left out the UK's Monster Raving Looney Party, which has hundreds of unique and politically necessary policies on their web site.
    <-linky image

    one of their policies is that the UK should set up an official terrorist training camp to train and license suicide bombers. their final exam will be to actually blow themselves up (in a safe location of course) in order to get their license. fees collected would of course go to pay for the laser guided water pistols being issued to the UK defence forces to replace their politically incorrect weapons.


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  7. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #47

    A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
    English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
    'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

    A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
    groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
    computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
    to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
    feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

    1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
    incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
    later retrieval; and

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
    spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    (THIS GETS BETTER!)

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
    ('el computador'), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
    ARE the problem; and

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
    little longer, you could have gotten a better model...

    The women won.

    Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a
    sense of humor
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  8. Posts : 17,322
    Win 10 Pro x64
       #48

    The Howling Wolves said:
    A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
    English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
    'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

    A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

    The women won.

    Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a
    sense of humor
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  9. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #49

    The Howling Wolves said:
    A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
    English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine...
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  10. Posts : 8,476
    Windows® 8 Pro (64-bit)
       #50

    Good one Dennis.
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