Jokes Thread 2

DocBrown · 04 Dec 2010

Dear Santa,

Please send me a baby brother.

Santa wrote back:

"Send me your mother..."

BugMeister · 04 Dec 2010

I read this book today, all about the evils of alcohol..

- so I gave up reading..

Irene · 04 Dec 2010

Kari · 04 Dec 2010

BugMeister said:

I read this book today, all about the evils of alcohol..

- so I gave up reading..

I've misused alcohol once.

We were camping with some of my friends, couldn't make the campfire because a bit wet logs. So I poured some of my beloved whisky to the logs, to help to ignite them...

Other than that, never misused alcohol.

Kari

evil c · 04 Dec 2010

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turns to the second Mum, Ann: “Your obsessions is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turns to the third Mum, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”

lorddenis · 04 Dec 2010

evil c said:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turns to the second Mum, Ann: “Your obsessions is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turns to the third Mum, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”

BrightBlessings · 05 Dec 2010

A local charity office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated charity rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

beauparc · 05 Dec 2010

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special, I'm having pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

------------------------------------------------------------

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

------------------------------------------------------------

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
------------------------------------------------------------

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary the husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

Dom · 05 Dec 2010

CarlTR6 said:

1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh

Here's another one

1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in San Fransisco for start location
4. Type in Hervey Bay, Australia for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #15, #30, #91......

6. Laugh

CarlTR6 · 05 Dec 2010

Dom said: