Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 182
    XP
       #51

    What is the difference between a @ss kisser and a brown noser
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    depth perception
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  2. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #52

    LittleMiss said:
    What is the difference between a @ss kisser and a brown noser
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    depth perception
    LittleMiss,
    I have another answer for that but I would be banned before the cows come home.
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 182
    XP
       #53

    The Howling Wolves said:
    A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
    English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
    'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

    A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
    groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
    computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
    to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
    feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

    1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
    incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
    later retrieval; and

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
    spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    (THIS GETS BETTER!)

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
    ('el computador'), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
    ARE the problem; and

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
    little longer, you could have gotten a better model...

    The women won.

    Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a
    sense of humor
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  4. Posts : 182
    XP
       #54

    The Howling Wolves said:
    LittleMiss said:
    What is the difference between a @ss kisser and a brown noser
    '
    '
    '
    '
    '
    '
    '
    '
    '
    '
    '
    depth perception
    LittleMiss,
    I have another answer for that but I would be banned before the cows come home.
    pm me then
      My Computer


  5. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #55

    Be careful of Seniors....We may be old but not dumb!


    A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

    The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

    So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

    The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

    The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then
    you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500', he says.

    This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

    The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

    Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

    The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

    He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

    The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
    down with four?'

    The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 17,322
    Win 10 Pro x64
       #56

    That's great Dennis!
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  7. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #57

    Why Italians pass their handguns down through the family.

    An old Italian man is dying

    He calls his grandson to his bedside... " Guido, I wan' you lissina me.

    I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always
    remember me."

    "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your
    Rolex watch instead?"

    "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
    gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple
    of bambinos.

    Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
    another man...

    Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #58

    PARAPROSDOKIAN SENTENCES

    There are a lot of them, some of I have seen before - some I haven't - but there are some pretty funny ones so I thought I would pass it along


    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.


    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.


    We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

    I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
    A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

    Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

    There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

    I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

    You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

    If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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  9. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #59

    The Howling Wolves said:
    Be careful of Seniors....We may be old but not dumb!


    A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight...
    I love it!!
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  10. Posts : 2,298
    Windows 7 Professional x64 SP1 ; Windows Server 2012 R2 Standard
       #60

    Grandma's letter


    She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

    She writes:

    "Dear Grandson,

    The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
    'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
    sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir
    performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.


    So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

    Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

    I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
    thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that
    the light had changed.

    It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
    honked, I'd never have noticed.

    I found that lots of people love Jesus!

    While I was sitting there, the GUY behind started honking like crazy,
    and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of
    God! '

    'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

    Everyone started honking!

    I Just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all
    those loving people.

    I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

    There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
    yelling something about a sunny beach.

    I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
    stuck up in the air.

    I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

    He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

    Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out
    the window and gave him the good luck sign right back .

    My grandson burst out laughing.

    Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

    A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
    they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

    I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
    when I noticed the light had changed.

    So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on
    through the intersection.

    I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
    before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to
    leave them after all the love we had shared.

    So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
    Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away..

    Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

    Will write again soon,

    Love, Grandma"
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