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Windows 7: Jokes Thread 2

24 Dec 2010   #671
Hopalong X

Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
 
 

Pebbly

Must have been the "Electric Boogalo".

My System SpecsSystem Spec
24 Dec 2010   #672
The Howling Wolves

Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
 
 

Attachment 126191

I wish I could find the shut off switch for those little pink elephants!!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
24 Dec 2010   #673
pebbly

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Last one for the year...........

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'


Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'



Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!



Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'



Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'



Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'



The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'



Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'



Harry: 'Firetruck'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

24 Dec 2010   #674
fishnbanjo

Vista 64 Ultimate, Windows 7 64 Ultimate, Ubuntu 9.10
 
 
All I want for Christmas

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.


As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.' 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
24 Dec 2010   #675
CarlTR6

Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
The husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
...
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
That is shocking!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
25 Dec 2010   #676
kronckew

Win 7 ultimate x64 sp1
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Hopalong X View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by lorddenis View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Dwarf View Post

I'm sorry, but I'm a bit slow.

Can you explain this?
How fast are turtles ? As you know they arent fast...and the sloth said "It...all...happened...so...quickly"
...and the snails who were at the scene said "What fight?"...
My System SpecsSystem Spec
25 Dec 2010   #677
spinifex

 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by fishnbanjo View Post
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.


As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.' 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.
I REALLY wish you had not posted this.



My stomach hurts, my eyes are watering and i can't talk, cause i'm laughing so much.
Hell, i can barely type this.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
27 Dec 2010   #678
LADYPINKtomato1

Windows 8 - 64-bit
 
 

This is a hoot.. I can just see Grandmaw as her wheels were spinning around.. especially if she is very straight laced as we say down south in the USA....
My System SpecsSystem Spec
29 Dec 2010   #679
fishnbanjo

Vista 64 Ultimate, Windows 7 64 Ultimate, Ubuntu 9.10
 
 
Speaking of shocking.........

I met a beautiful woman in the park the other evening....

There was an instant spark between us, and she fell at my feet.

As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself, ''These tasers are well worth the money....''

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by CarlTR6 View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
The husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
...
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
That is shocking!
My System SpecsSystem Spec
29 Dec 2010   #680
pebbly

win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by fishnbanjo View Post
I met a beautiful woman in the park the other evening....

There was an instant spark between us, and she fell at my feet.

As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself, ''These tasers are well worth the money....''

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by CarlTR6 View Post
Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by pebbly View Post
The husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
...
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
That is shocking!
Very good fish
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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