Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 346
    Windows 7 Pro X64
       #71

    Ball Game
    Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
    "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
    "Really? How'd you do that?"
    "I dropped the ball."
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  2. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #72

    Your Duck is Dead--

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.



    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

    You know the drill ... if you're smiling, pass it on
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  3. Posts : 17,322
    Win 10 Pro x64
       #73

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  4. Posts : 182
    XP
       #74

    BrightBlessings said:
    Your Duck is Dead--

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.



    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

    You know the drill ... if you're smiling, pass it on
    I was told this joke by our Veterinarian and when he is called at 2am to help a heifer with her 1st calf , u remember the joke and do as he says lol
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  5. Posts : 11
    Windows 7 Ultimate
       #75

    I was told this joke by our Veterinarian and when he is called at 2am to help a heifer with her 1st calf , u remember the joke and do as he says lol


    Reminds me about:

    An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

    The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

    As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

    Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

    Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

    The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his desire".

    "Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work"?

    "Well" The vet replied "IT JUST WORKED FOR ME".



    An elderly spinster a dog in heat and the vet



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  6. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #76

    BrightBlessings said:
    Your Duck is Dead--

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon...
    I believe it!
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  7. Posts : 842
    Windows 7 Ultimate 64 - OEM Service Pack 1
       #77

    A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
    Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

    The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

    The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

    The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
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  8. Posts : 8,476
    Windows® 8 Pro (64-bit)
       #78

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  9. Posts : 11
    Windows 7 Ultimate
       #79

    Dinesh said:
    .


    .
    New business is booming


    A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

    Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.
    .




    .
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  10. Posts : 842
    Windows 7 Ultimate 64 - OEM Service Pack 1
       #80

    JohnUnderscore said:
    Dinesh said:
    .


    .
    New business is booming


    A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

    Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.
    .




    .
    Naughty but funny
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