Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #791

    I can't type for laughing , till I've cried.. you and MIKE kill me with the stuff you post..
    Pebbly isn't far behind..
      My Computer


  2. Posts : 53,657
    Windows 10 Home x64
       #792

    It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

    "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

    "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

    The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

    "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

    The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

    A Guy
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 11,840
    64-bit Windows 8.1 Pro
       #793

    The one wish genie


    A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold 'a genie' appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

    The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what will it be?"

    The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

    The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

    The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for... a good man."

    The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that map again..."
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 4,198
    Windows 10 Pro
       #794

    The Howling Wolves said:
    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
    Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
    'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
    'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
      My Computer


  5. Posts : 17,545
    Windows 10 Pro x64 EN-GB
       #795

    The Howling Wolves said:
    'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


    Same gentlemen, another day.

    "Do you remember how they put something in our food in army during the second world war to decrease our sex needs?"

    "Yes, I believe I do."

    "I think it's starting to work."
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #796

    Garage Door The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.



    As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

    He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

    She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
      My Computer


  7. Posts : 5,840
    Vista Ult64, Win7600
       #797

    Disgraceful. that's all I can say.
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #798

    jfar,
    You must be the one with the minivan!
      My Computer


  9. Posts : 5,840
    Vista Ult64, Win7600
       #799

    You ride around on this horse long enough and see if you don't have two flat tyres as well.
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #800

    You and Hoppy should carry a spare at all times.
      My Computer


 
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