Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #811

    Part II


    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
    --------------------------
    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    --------------------------
    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done.
    --------------------------
    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
    --------------------------
    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
    --------------------------
    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    --------------------------
    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
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  2. Posts : 5,840
    Vista Ult64, Win7600
       #812

    Jokes Thread 2-fffff.png
    Last edited by jfar; 13 Jan 2011 at 13:45.
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  3. Posts : 5,840
    Vista Ult64, Win7600
       #813

    Duck bumps into his mate the Chicken, and asks where he's going.


    Chicken says, I'm just nipping across the road, I wont be long.


    The Duck says, I wouldn't do that if I was you, if you do, You'll never hear the f......king end of it.
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  4. Posts : 208
    Windows 7 64 bit
       #814

    The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
    I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'


    Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

    Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

    Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

    I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

    (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

    Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

    When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'
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  5. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #815

    beauparc said:
    The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
    I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
    ...
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  6. Posts : 983
    10 x64 | 7 x64
       #816

    Brett Favre today, was told his sister was arrested on Meth charges.
    He replied he didn't know because since he left the NFL, his junk mail wasn't working.
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  7. Posts : 9,606
    Win7 Enterprise, Win7 x86 (Ult 7600), Win7 x64 Ult 7600, TechNet RTM on AMD x64 (2.8Ghz)
       #817

    Sad News


    This is very sad news ... you all know this person.

    Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


    Jokes Thread 2-doughboy.gif

    The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
    complications from being repeatedly poked in the belly. He was 71.

    Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
    turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
    the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain
    Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

    Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
    who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota,
    Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
    turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his
    dough on half-baked schemes.

    Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was
    considered a positive roll model for millions.

    Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough,
    Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
    survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

    The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


    Jokes Thread 2-doughboygrave.gif




    If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the
    occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that
    may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
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  8. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #818

    CarlTR6 said:
    beauparc said:
    The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
    I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'...

    This is a hoot !!!!!.. I'm still laughing out loud.
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  9. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #819

    Zen Teachings .....


    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

    2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.


    3. No one is listening until you fart.

    4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

    5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

    7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

    11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

    12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

    13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

    14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

    15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

    17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

    18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

    20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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  10. Posts : 3,187
    Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2
       #820

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    Zen Teachings .....
    That's a keeper!
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