Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #821

    Prof ...I just knew if you saw that.. you'd keep it .. so much fun in that one post.. lol.
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  2. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #822

    M'Lady there is a whole of truth in those!
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  3. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #823

    I need a Raise :


    Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
    Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
    Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companiesafter me and so I decided to talk to you first.
    Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
    Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How doesthat sound? Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!


    Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
    Last edited by LADYPINKtomato1; 17 Jan 2011 at 15:03.
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  4. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #824

    Sunday School Teacher‏ :

    The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.

    He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"



    "Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.



    Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina .



    When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"



    "Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"



    Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"



    "Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class If I did!"



    Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got into his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh... Mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"



    "Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.



    The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.



    The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, 'What the Hell have I done?'



    He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School Class?"



    The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
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  5. Posts : 13
    Windows 7 home premium 32 bit
       #825

    im sure that you all have heard this one, but ill give it a try.. ( :

    you are a hunter and you are out in the wild to find and kill some animals, but you remember that you've only got one shot left, now you see two lions running after you, what do you do ?



    Answer: you shoot one in the ass that the other will laugh so much that it'll die. LOLWROFLMAO
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  6. Posts : 966
    Windows 7 Enterprise
       #826

    How do you shoot one's ass if its coming towards you? LOL, waffles and mayo.
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  7. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #827

    A good Catholic joke . . ...


    An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site


    noticed the coarse language of the workers


    and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.



    She decided she would take her lunch;


    sit with the workers; and talk with them.



    She put her sandwich in a brown bag and


    walked over to the spot where the men were eating.



    Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:


    "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"



    They shook their heads and looked at each other.. very confused.



    One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,


    "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"



    One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"



    The worker yelled back,


    "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."
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  8. Posts : 14,606
    Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium 64-bit 7600
       #828

    A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
    "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am."
    The woman below replied,
    "You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
    You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
    "I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"
    "Well," answered the balloonist,
    "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip."
    Woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
    "Well," said the woman,
    "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault."


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  9. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #829

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    I need a Raise :


    Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
    Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
    Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise...
    Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!


    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    Sunday School Teacher‏ :

    The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.
    He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School Class?"
    The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
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  10. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #830

    husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
    He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
    Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the £500, and takes it home.
    He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

    Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea.
    It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
    I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

    She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

    The husband says, 'Good Grief!
    You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'

    He never heard the shot.

    Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
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