Jokes Thread 2

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I was off that day had little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

pebbly said:

Very good THW ,well done

Now you must wear it...
Attachment 133085

first class john , you ought to be on telly

The Howling Wolves said:

pebbly said:

Very good THW ,well done

Now you must wear it...
Attachment 133085

got any naught boy badges dennis, there's a few of them around here!

boohbah said:

first class john , you ought to be on telly

Boo,
You should go to Hollywood.....................the walk would do you good!

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of
the cow's ass.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

"Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that"

pebbly said:

a man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him, "what happened to you?"

"well, i was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while i was looking around i noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"i walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of
the cow's ass.

Still holding the cow's tail up, i yelled to my wife,

"hey, this looks like yours!'"

"i don't remember much after that"

pimpl :d

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just
walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is
very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this
lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be
there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your
way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

pebbly said:

husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife...

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

Hilarious! Good one, Kathryn.

Kathryn, you really deserve that badge