Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #881

    pebbly said:
    A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years and breaks into a house to look for money.

    Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While the convict's in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
    He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
    don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets
    angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

    His wife replies, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
    any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'

    Pebbly you are a .........................Attachment 133820 again!!!
    Last edited by The Howling Wolves; 29 Jan 2011 at 20:27.
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  2. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #882

    A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished locals and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my tackle unscathed.

    In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

    The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone 100 who's willing to give it a try.'

    A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a Blonde woman timidly spoke up.

    'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit ME on the head so hard with the bottle....'
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  3. Posts : 19,384
    Windows 10 Pro x64 ; Xubuntu x64
       #883

    Ahahahaha...2 great jokes there Pebbly
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  4. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #884

    Dear Sir,

    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

    Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

    You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

    Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

    Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

    I hope this answers your inquiry.

    Kevin Roben
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  5. Posts : 287
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64
       #885
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  6. Posts : 5,840
    Vista Ult64, Win7600
       #886

    Nice one pebbly. Here
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  7. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #887

    I do like the Dubliners jfar ,Are they still going ?
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  8. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #888

    DeVandal said:
    very good
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  9. Posts : 5,840
    Vista Ult64, Win7600
       #889

    pebbly said:
    I do like the Dubliners jfar ,Are they still going ?

    Ronnie Drew died recently, so I am not sure what is happening with them at the moment.
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  10. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #890

    jfar said:
    pebbly said:
    I do like the Dubliners jfar ,Are they still going ?

    Ronnie Drew died recently, so I am not sure what is happening with them at the moment.
    still on tour The Dubliners - On Tour 2011 Nottingham in March :)
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