Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit

    Baptizing A Drunk

    A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze.. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
    'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
    The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
    The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
    By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
    When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
    The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

    'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
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  2. Posts : 259
    Windows 10 Home

    Great one! Sent this to several family members.
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  3. Posts : 1,035
    Vista 64 Ultimate, Windows 7 64 Ultimate, Ubuntu 9.10

    Speaking of Jesus. I hear that Jesus came back to check on us and traveled incognito. He was hitchhiking on Route 81 when a long haul trucker picked him up. During the ride the trucker shared his bottled water and lunch with Jesus. At length, he offered to share his marijuana. Jesus, being unfamiliar with the stuff accepted. With the doobie finished, Jesus decided the trucker was a good and generous man and to reveal who he was to him. "I'm Jesus Christ," he said. "I told you that was some good sh*t, didn't I?" The trucker said.
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  4. Posts : 1,035
    Vista 64 Ultimate, Windows 7 64 Ultimate, Ubuntu 9.10
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  5. Posts : 966
    Windows 7 Enterprise

    NSFW... depending if/where you work...
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  6. Posts : 256
    Win 7 ultimate x64 sp1

    The Howling Wolves said:
    Baptizing A Drunk
    fishnbanjo said:
    Speaking of Jesus....
    i too found jesus,

    he was hiding in the trunk of my car on the way back from tijuana to san diego.
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  7. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit

    Healthcare is out there
    If you can’t afford a doctor, go to an airport - you’ll get a free x-ray and a pat down, and if you mention Al Queda, you get a colonoscopy.
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  8. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit

    yearly Dementia test

    Our Yearly Dementia Test

    It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
    Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
    Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.
    The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until after you've answered them.
    OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

    1. What do you put in a toaster?

    Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
    Try not to hurt yourself.

    If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

    2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

    Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
    However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

    3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

    Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
    If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

    4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
    Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus.
    In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
    In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
    In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
    In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
    In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
    You then arrive at Milford Haven.

    Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

    Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
    Don't you remember your own age?
    It was YOU driving the bus!!

    If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

    PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
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  9. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit

    A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg.

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

    Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Bill.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep...

    Now give me back my dog.
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  10. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit

    pebbly said:
    A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..

    Now give me back my dog.
    I believe it!!
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