Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #961

    Jails and Nursing Homes

    Here's the way it should be:

    Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
    This would correct two things in one motion:

    Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
    They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
    They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
    They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
    Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
    A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
    All meals and snacks would be brought to them
    They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
    They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
    Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
    There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
    Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
    They would receive daily phone calls.
    There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
    The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.


    As for the criminals:

    They would receive cold food.
    They would be left alone and unsupervised.
    They would receive showers once a week.
    They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.
    They would have no hope of ever getting out.
    "Sounds like justice to me!"
      My Computer


  2. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #962

    The Howling Wolves said:
    Jails and Nursing Homes

    Here's the way it should be:

    Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
    This would correct two things in one motion:

    Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
    They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
    They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
    They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
    Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
    A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
    All meals and snacks would be brought to them
    They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
    They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
    Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
    There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
    Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
    They would receive daily phone calls.
    There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
    The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.


    As for the criminals:

    They would receive cold food.
    They would be left alone and unsupervised.
    They would receive showers once a week.
    They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.
    They would have no hope of ever getting out.
    "Sounds like justice to me!"
    I love it!
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 3,187
    Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2
       #963



    At least I would have something to look forward to in my old age...
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 966
    Windows 7 Enterprise
       #964

    Too right, they have it better off than I do.

    So now I'm thinking...
      My Computer


  5. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #965

    xarden,

    Stop thinking...I worked in a prison for over 12 years and you don't want any part of it.
    Now if they make a prison for senior citizens then I'll be the first to welcome you.
    It costs $35-40K a year to house one inmate in California..No wonder we are going broke!
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 966
    Windows 7 Enterprise
       #966

    Yea, it was a joke...
    But I'm still in favour of the chain gang, send only the good ones out to fix the highway and possibly reduce the sentence, and put taxpayers moolah into something beneficial.
    But thats for another thread.

    Here's another joke: Why'd the chicken cross the road?
      My Computer


  7. Posts : 3,187
    Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2
       #967

    xarden said:
    ...Here's another joke: Why'd the chicken cross the road?
    Any number of reasons, I suppose:

    Why'd the Chicken?
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #968

    It all began with an iPhone







    March was when my son celebrated his birthday, and I got him an iPhone.
    He just loved it. Who wouldn't?





    I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.




    My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.











    My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.



    It was around then that the fight started.......

    What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

    I should be out of the hospital by Saturday...
      My Computer


  9. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #969

    Ninety-eight and no enemies - a human interest story.

    All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!



    Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,

    "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

    Eighty percent held up their hands.



    The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time,

    except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes,

    who attended church only when the weather was bad.



    "Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today.

    Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

    "I don't have any," he replied gruffly.



    "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

    "Ninety-eight," he replied.

    The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.



    "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all

    how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"



    The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around,

    faced the congregation, and said simply,



    "I outlived all the sons-of-bitches!"
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 208
    Windows 7 64 bit
       #970

    A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

    The young cowboy takes a place next to the old-timer, buys him a drink and tells him the story of his great ambition.

    "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asks.

    The old man looks him up and down and says, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. And tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."


    ''Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asks the young man.

    "Sure will," replies the old-timer.

    The young man does as he is told, stands up, whips out his 44 and shoots the bow tie off the piano player.

    "That's terrific!" says the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"


    "Yep, " says the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'


    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asks the younger man.

    "You bet it will," says the old-timer.

    The young man takes out his knife, cuts the notch, stands up, draws his gun in a blur, and then shoots a cufflink off the piano player.

    "Wow!" exclaims the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"


    The old man points to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."


    The young man goes over to the can and smears some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

    "No," says the old-timer. "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asks the young man.

    "No," says the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
      My Computer


 
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