New
#471
Santa is getting in shape for the hard task ahead.....0
Get down Big Boy.........Get Down..
Jokes Thread 2
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New #472
The Navy Chief noticed a new sailor on board his ship and barked at him "Get over here Sailor. What's your name?'
"John" the new seaman replied.
The Navy Chief frowned and said:
"Look son, I don't know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they're teaching you sailors at boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in authority!"
"I refer to sailors by their last names, Smith, Jones, whatever. And you are to refer to me as Chief!. Do I make myself clear sailor?!"
The sailor responded "Aye Aye Chief!"
"Okay" the Chief responded, "Now that we have that clear, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed, "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief"
There was a momentary silence. Finally The Navy Chief said "Okay John, here's what I want you to do....."
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New #473
A woman went into a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £20.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you that this bird has lived in a House of Prostitution for the past twenty years and sometimes it says some pretty rough stuff."
The woman thought about this, but eventually decided that at the price she had to have the bird anyway. So she took it home, hung the parrot's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The parrot looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new Madam!"
The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then thought, "Well, it could be worse."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new Madam, new girls!"
The girls were also a bit offended by the parrot’s comments, but then they began to laugh, considering how and where it had been living for the past twenty years.
A few minutes later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."
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New #476
A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds
to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor,
this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
"We'll have a new one."
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New #477
A Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer and a Microsoft Engineer were driving to a meeting when there vehicle stopped running. The Mechanical Engineer checked the car and said it was fine. The Electrical Engineer checked it also and found nothing wrong. The Microsoft Engineer closed all the Windows, got out of the car, got back in the car then opened all the Windows and the car started and away they went.
Jim
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Oh lawd, eww 
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