New
#521
Tool Information for the handyman:
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal or wood out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws the bolt somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light .
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers.
SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool that runs from you when plugged in; commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
When the blade snaps it always draws blood.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles at your groin, and for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the wrong side of your line.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the motor.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans and chiseling. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to damage the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work-pants, but only while being worn.
