New
#911
Jokes Thread 2
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New #912
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New #915
The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest's house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
"Hi, we're prostitutes," say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"
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New #916
Redemption my child!
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New #917
Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples,Florida .
Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Samantha says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
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New #918
A young nun asks to see the Mother Superior of her abbey.
Mother Superior: What do you want to tell me, sister Mary?
Sister Mary: I can not live with this secret of mine anymore. I need to tell it to you
MS: Shared burden is easier to carry. Tell me.
SM: Before I joined the sisterhood, I was a prostitute...
Mother Superior fells to the floor, fainting in a split second. Sister Mary, clever girl as she is, calls help, and they get Mother Superior to hospital. In two days Mother Superior feels good enough to have visitors and asks nurse to call abbey and ask Sister Mary to come to visit her.
Sister Mary arrives, pale and anxious to apologize that her bad news caused Mother Superior to have a mild stroke.
MS: No need to apologize. By joining the Holy Catholic Church and joining our sisterhood, even the most horrible acts and past life can be forgiven.
SM: I'm sorry, Mother Superior, I do not understand? I've always been catholic.
MS: But didn't you tell me you were a protestant before?
SM: No, Mother. I said I was a prostitute!
Mother Superior starts laughing. "Blessed be the Mother of God! What a relief! I thought you said protestant, that was such a shock! But prostitute, there's nothing to be ashamed. I was a brothel madame before joining the sisterhood and half of our sisters worked for me already then!"
Kari
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New #920
That's one of the few jokes I can remember my dad telling me. He left this world already in 1984, only 48 years old, but his last years we had some fun together, for instance he dating the mother and me her daughter at the same time.
The difficult thing is to translate; I know these stories of my father only in Finnish... Jokes are difficult to translate.
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