Jokes Thread 2

pebbly said:

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "These taser guns are well worth the money".

I commented the other day, "I was walking down a dark alleyway, and saw this beautiful young girl. My spidey senses tingled and I had a feeling something bad was going to happen to her. So I kept my distance. As we approached a T-section, I could hear some hoodrats down one of the sidealleys. I somehow knew something bad was going to happen to her, maybe abducted and abused, and all sorts of vile things done to the poor girl...
Luckily, I summed up the courage and prevented all this from happening."

"Wow", my audience said, "How'd you manage that?"

I replied, "I turned the corner and walked away."

xarden said:

My spidey senses tingled and I had a feeling something bad was going to happen to her.....
...I replied, "I turned the corner and walked away."

Sounds like a low down Polecat to me!

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

LOL

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss


The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do
not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

pebbly said:

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss


The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do
not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

Pebbly,
You have NOT lost your place in line...
Still Number One

But don't stop just because you have...
1. a headache
2. that time of the month
3. not in the mood
3. forgot to take the pill
4. JUST PURCHASE A GUN!
5.

There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "SCREW YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

DreemWarrior said:

There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "SCREW YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

I have heard that Courtroom sex is the screwing you get for the screwing you got!
I am at the age I can't remember what it was and what are we talking about?