New
#1681
Jokes Thread 2
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New #1683
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!"
"Bring them along!" said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."
"But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!" he answered.
"Bring them, as well!" answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!"
A Guy
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New #1685
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them They decided it maybe was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
Will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
In the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked,
"'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
Because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis,
Because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss,
Because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"
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New #1686
Google Chuck Norris
In Google search write ''Find Chuck Norris''
Then click and read the first result.
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New #1687
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut..
I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
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New #1688
This guy went on a cruise around the Hawaiian Islands and 2 days later the ships engine blew up spectacularly and caused the ship to sink. The guy managed to stuggle onto a door that was floating nearby and waited for rescue. Eventually, after 3 days of being adrift, he got washed up onto a beach and was found by a beautiful young Hawaiian girl. She said "Is there anything I can do for you?". The guy replied " I've been adrift 3 days and I am terribly thirsty, can you give me a drink of nice cool water?" The girl returns with a bottle of pure cool clear water which the man gulps down. "Is there anything else I can get you?" asks the girl smoothing her hands down over her shapely hips. The guy replies "Well, actually, I haven't eaten since the ship sank and I am kinda hungry". Ten minutes later the girl returns with a huge sizzling steak on a platter with all the trimmings. The guy thanks her profusely and sets about demolishing the steak. When he has finished, the girl asks "Is there anything else I can get you?" running her hands up and down her body in a most suggestive manner. The guy sits there thinking so the girl asks "Don't you want to play around?"
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The guy replies "Don't tell me you play golf"
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New #1689
In a tiny Irish village lived a little old lady who was a virgin and proud of it.
Sensing that her last days were fast approaching, she went to see her local undertaker, who also happened to be the village postman too.
One of her last wishes was that she had the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"Born A Virgin, Lived As A Virgin, Died A Virgin"
She passed away soon afterwards and the undertaker/postman thought long and hard how he could engrave her inscription on her tombstone's limited space.
Finally, after much deliberation, he discarded his undertaker's hat and put on his postman's one as he came up with this inspired inscription:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
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New #1690
Did you hear about the flasher who thought about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for another year......
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